I can't believe that he starts eating before everyone else either. I have met hundreds of Japanese, been in at least 15 different Japanese homes, and never once been in a situation where everyone did not sit down together and say "itadakimasu". So i hope you don't think his behavior is typical, because it is not.
Wow! And there are how many billions living in Japan? Maybe those 15 homes didn't do it. I don't know, i'm just saying. Hubby seems to think it's the normal and in fact he did it when we first met, but then i straightened him out by saying "hey we live in aus we don't do that here" so now he waits for me, or others if we are with other people.I have met hundreds of Japanese, been in at least 15 different Japanese homes,
I would like to think it's not typical behaviour, but i'm not so sure.So i hope you don't think his behavior is typical, because it is not.
Alright. Mrs.Azuma's father in law is a mannerless B#&*#$d who doesn't wait until everyone has been served before he starts eating and he and his long suffering wife lives in a crappy house, and Mrs. Azuma is somehow of the opinion that that is the norm in Japan.
I would like to wish much happiness for her and her husband and everyone in her extended family.
Now, let us get back to the topic of this thread, shall we? I don't think it had anything to do with "if a typical Japanese house has a bath in it / if the man of the house should be served first at meals".
Let us all go back to the OP and find out exactly WHAT this thread was about. I have no idea. lol
Firstly, can i ask what is OP?
Secondly, Dave i was trying to clarify my background, not say how much i knew about Japan so if i gave you that impression, i am sorry for that, merely i was trying to state that i have an interest in Japan and always have.I don't claim to know all there is to know or even understand, hence the reason why i came on here in the first place.
Ok, so i read some things wrong, i apologise for that too.
Ashikaga, yes, i agree with you, lets get off the bath/toilet/fish oven topic, and yes i agree with you on the first comment about father in law yada yada haha.
Undrentide, thanks very much for the info, i didn't know that about 3 generations back, so that was really good to know. Now i can see a little bit about where they are coming from, and yes it's a very good idea to look into buying a fish oven if i find out that they don't have one.
Despite people getting sick of this back and forth i've enjoyed discussing with all of you.
I would like to add a comment to this thread to do with the topic. It happened to me on the weekend and i also blogged about it, but have you ever had the experience where a Japanese has called you a gaijin while you've been in your own country? When i pointed this out to a friend who called me a gaijin, and told them they were in fact the gaijin, they said they didn't want to be known as a gaijin because it was too bad, they would prefer being called Japanese. Do you think this is hypocritical of Japanese? To call others a derogatory name but not themselves want to be called it?
If this is not the right place to post i will not go on about it here, but i thought it was worth mentioning.
我妻婦人
To most Japanese people, "gaijin/gaikokujin" is not a derogatory terms, it simply means "non-Japanese". (A bit different from the definition of "foreigner") Thus some of the Japanese who are visiting abroad think they are surrounded by "gaijin/gaikokujin". Those people do not think it twice that in a freign country, they are "gaikokujin" to the people from that country.Originally Posted by Azuma_Fujin
When this fact is pointed out, some people understand it and laugh the funny remarks they'e made, but there are also some people who cannot see the things from different aspects, like they always measure everything with their own rule, they never imagine that there are diffent measuring rules - inch, cm, sun (this is old Japanese measuring unit), for example.
*Disclaimer: personally I don't think "gaijin" is a derogatory term like "Jap", it means the same as "gaikokujin", it is neutral. If one is offended when the word is used, I assume it comes not from the word it self but rather a situation it is used, or the way the word is used. It is possible to offend people with any word(s).
But since I know there are many people who are offended with the word "gaijin" so I do not use it myself. It is really not worthwhile to use it when I know it may offend someone.
Hey , I said it straight as I don't have a lot of time to post something that could be more eloquently stated. I apologise for that. But I do hope you keep an open mind on a lot of things that have been said here as it will make your life a lot easier when you understand why somethings are done or said a certain way. I too do not think that the Japanese way of life is best , nor do I think that the western way of life is best, more so they are just different and now understanding that life has become so much more enjoyable.Firstly, can i ask what is OP?
Secondly, Dave i was trying to clarify my background, not say how much i knew about Japan so if i gave you that impression, i am sorry for that, merely i was trying to state that i have an interest in Japan and always have.
Ok, so i read some things wrong, i apologise for that too.
Sorry , Ashikaga....Ashikaga, yes, i agree with you, lets get off the bath/toilet/fish oven topic, and yes i agree with you on the first comment about father in law yada yada haha.
Undrentide, thanks very much for the info, i didn't know that about 3 generations back, so that was really good to know. Now i can see a little bit about where they are coming from, and yes it's a very good idea to look into buying a fish oven if i find out that they don't have one.
Despite people getting sick of this back and forth i've enjoyed discussing with all of you.
I don't think it is typical, but I assume OP's family in law is following a very old customs. Maybe 2-3 generations before now, it was more common that a father in a family was regarded as the most important, literally the head of the family, thus sometimes the father (and sometimes his first son as he will be the future head) were served the meal first, and his wife and other children (girls and babies) and the elderies in the family ate after they finished the meal. This is an extreme casem, maybe many families ate together but still men were served first and started first, then other family members followed.
So for the OP's father in law and his wife, it is quite natural that he's always served first and starts eating first.
If OP wants her father in law to start eating after everyone is served, I wonder if she could ask her husband to talk to his father not to while they're visiting OP's home country - I don't know the exact situation but it could be the case that her father in law just does not know it is rude to start eating before everyone is served, as his behaviour is something a matter of course for him.
It seems that OP and their parents in law are in good relationship, then I guess if OP is willing to follow the in law's way whiel she's staying with them, they should be also willing to follow the customs in OP's home country when they're staying there.
It seems that their kitchen and bathroom (and maybe the whole house) seem to be far below the avarage of Japanese houses, but if they simply cannot afford those things, I feel sorry for them, especially the mother in law, it must be very embarassing for her to be pointed out the lack of such facilities.
I might offer her an oven with fish grill as a present, if I were in OP's position, but again this is just an idea, as I really don't know OP or her family in law personally.
To me it does not really look like a "cultural-difference-between-Japan/Australia" issue, because even among Japanese people sometimes people complain about one's partner and/or partner's family because each family has its own culture, something one has been taking granted for can be something quite strange or outrageous for another.
Yes, i see what you mean and i guess yes i don't really have a problem with the word gaijin but it has been said to me in a derogatory aspect before so i guess that's why i have a problem with it. Also the kanji of of gaijin "outside person" just kind of gets to me because i feel like gaijin means always outside, forever. I would prefer it if they called us "visitors" or "travellers". You know like we call travellers or backpackers instead of foreigners, or just call them by their nationality instead of giving them a group name.To most Japanese people, "gaijin/gaikokujin" is not a derogatory terms, it simply means "non-Japanese". (A bit different from the definition of "foreigner") Thus some of the Japanese who are visiting abroad think they are surrounded by "gaijin/gaikokujin". Those people do not think it twice that in a freign country, they are "gaikokujin" to the people from that country.
When this fact is pointed out, some people understand it and laugh the funny remarks they'e made, but there are also some people who cannot see the things from different aspects, like they always measure everything with their own rule, they never imagine that there are diffent measuring rules - inch, cm, sun (this is old Japanese measuring unit), for example.
You are right when you say that people sometimes are surprised when they go somewhere and the rules are different. That has happened to me and i've seen it happen to others. It's sometimes funny and sometimes completely frustrating too.
When I mentioned that my father-in-law got served first I failed to mention that this did not mean that he ate first. He always waited for everyone to be at the table and "itadakimasu" was said. However, my father-in-laws' older brother was always served first and he ate first which I found weird. However, they are country folk and, like Azuma_fujin's father-in-law, maybe it is the way it's done in the old home town and the older generation.
I would be curious to learn if any of the "country folk" in Japan still follow this custom where the elder male eats before the rest of the family.
Then it must be old governmental housing as I remember 30 years ago having to seek out an apartment that had a bath as they were rare and most people in the neighborhood went (walked to) the local sento (bath house) for their daily ritual. In fact, an apartment with a flush toilet AND a bath would cost an additional 3-5,000 yen or more per month in rent. It really was a luxury back then. However, there was a certain "togetherness" and comraderie of the daily trip to the local sento where a bath would set you back about 30 - 100 yen. A shower? Almost unheard of even in the 1980's unless you were living in a modern "mansion" (condo) or a newer house that had one built-in with the bath.
Really? How old are you Genki and did you come from a wealthy family as most wealthy families did have a bath even in the 50's and 60's, but the majority of the general population in the 60's, 70's and early 80's did not have one. It was only after newer houses were built after the economic boom that families started having baths in their houses. Today, it is a given in all new housing.
I believe you are quite correct and I'd still like to know if this custom is still followed today in the country and outer provinces where the old customs may still be followed.
Heck! I am 54 and I do not feel "old and decrepit". I do even feel "elderly"! Yuck!. However, there is something to be said of, and a warm feeling to be had, when I visit the older homes of my wife's family where there is no bath and we all must go to the local sento. Even though I had an apartment with a bath, I still enjoyed the friendliness of going to the local bath house a couple of times a week and even enjoyed it. I bonded with my neighbors and even made a couple of friends which are still my friends to this very day. They are becoming rarer and rarer these days, but I do miss them.
You are quite correct I believe in your assessment of Japanese housewives as I have heard that on more than one occassion from Japanese housewives. Most have it "made in the shade" so to speak and enjoy their position in Japan as they control everything!
Which is, "Are Japanese more hypocritical with foreigners?".
Do What You Love And You'll Never Work Another Day In Your Life!
OK, “I can't believe" was an overstatement. I am 37 and I remember there was a sentou around our place when I was a kid around late 70's and early 80's. But of several friends' houses I visited back then, there was only one アパート that didn't have a bath and it was not like they were all rich. Actually the style people take bath have changed around 60's and 70's, so you are right. Back in 50's not many people had baths at home. Most of them went to sentou. But 90% of all homes in Japan have baths today, and it is Hokkaido where temperature can drop way below freezing, and It is not a one room アパート and is 30min drive from the nearest sento. The chance for this kind of place not having a bath today is probably like 1% or less. But they may just like the classic way, and I'm digressing so I'll stop. It was too interesting to not respond to an English speaking guy who has this much insight into the history of the modern Japanese bath.
Yes, you are right Pachipro, it is government housing, and it's like a long block of houses, that share a common wall, and they have a little bit of land out the back that is open to the road where there is usually a washing line and a vege patch or a dog house, and the front has a driveway and a shed/storage house. I think it's about 5 "houses" long. It's really not much more than a very small genkan, toilet off to the side (thankfully a flushing one!), a tiny kitchen, a combined dining/living, and 3 small bedrooms. It's all a basic square shape. The sliding door of the living room opens up to the vege patch outside, facing another road. I'm sure the buildings themselves are quite old, although the inside has been kept well and is not shabby. I quite like the communal atmosphere of the living/dining, in that everyone congregates in there when they are not sleeping, so it seems more family oriented than alot of homes i have visited in Australia.Then it must be old governmental housing as I remember 30 years ago having to seek out an apartment that had a bath as they were rare and most people in the neighborhood went (walked to) the local sento (bath house) for their daily ritual. In fact, an apartment with a flush toilet AND a bath would cost an additional 3-5,000 yen or more per month in rent. It really was a luxury back then. However, there was a certain "togetherness" and comraderie of the daily trip to the local sento where a bath would set you back about 30 - 100 yen. A shower? Almost unheard of even in the 1980's unless you were living in a modern "mansion" (condo) or a newer house that had one built-in with the bath.
I have fond memories of going to the local sento, every time we go back to japan it's something i look forward to. I love the private baths, they are so deep, when i step in, i have forgotten just how deep it is, and how hot! But the feeling i get when i get out is one i cannot get from any other bath, it's such an amazing feeling. Then afterwards walking out of the sento with hubby and going to the vending machine and getting an ice cold gogo tea. That is one of my favourite times. I agree with you that some of the greatest family moments are around these shared experiences.
Sorry, i did not mean to say that you were old and decrepit, just that my parents in law were not old, as i don't consider 50's to be old. My aussie mum is 64 and i still think of her as young. She's certainly not in the elderly category. I guess you're only as old as you feel! ;)Heck! I am 54 and I do not feel "old and decrepit". I do even feel "elderly"!
I have read of such circumstances. If my mil was not sick as she is, and fil made more money, maybe that would be the case for her too. I guess like everywhere, some people are more privelaged than others. Good luck to the people who have lives like this.You are quite correct I believe in your assessment of Japanese housewives as I have heard that on more than one occassion from Japanese housewives. Most have it "made in the shade" so to speak and enjoy their position in Japan as they control everything!
Hey Pipokun,
I have an answer for you. I asked my husband he said it's called a "grill", i said to him, i thought you said you didn't know what a fish oven was! He said "fish oven?" I thought you said "fish orange!". That just proves what i've been saying all these years is that he never listens to me... haha
So yeah...i was wrong! I can't ever remember seeing this before though...so it was new to me. I'm gonna have a look next time we're in Japan. Thanks for the learning curve
It's interesting that Azuma-san found her husband became bossy telling her what to do as soon as they got to Narita. My girlfriend snapped once in Tokyo saying that I kept telling her what she had to do. We were in a coffee shop in Ginza having a ridiculously expensive pot of tea and when it ran out, she wanted hot water to refill the pot. If you live in Japan long enough, you know you usually don't get refill water for a teapot. And I was sure that this coffee shop was so stuck up and wouldn't do it so I told her I wouldn't ask because they don't do it in Japan. Then she insisted on asking it herself because "it doesn't hurt asking" and I stopped her as asking these out-of-the-rule things to a Japanese could be an embarrassing experience with them making faces and all that.
Then she snapped. According to her, I had been telling her what to do and what not, ever since we got off the plane at Narita. To me it was really obvious that asking was a bad idea, and I was trying to save us from an unpleasant experience, but she didn't/couldn't see all these little untold rules that all Japanese follow, and took it as I was bossing her around. It was like "don't even think about asking for the refill” printed on the wall with the paint only I could see and I couldn't make her believe it was there.
I don't know if Japanese are hypocritical, but there are a lot of inexplicit little rules like this that may explain some of the Japanese's weird behaviors. One of them could be "You ask about 4 seasons when asking how someone's home town's nature is.". Japanese poem have a rule that it must include a word that implicitly specifies one of the 4 seasons and this style of poem dates back to 9th century. We still have these poems written by people from 1000 years ago, and they talk about all the things that happen in the nature and their lives in each season. So “4 seasons” isn’t just talking about weather and temperature and length of daytime, but it is also strongly related to all the changes in nature and other things that happen in each season. Spring is not just weather condition between winter and summer, but it is also cherry blossom, love of cats, abalone, wasabi, clam picking, swallows, and the list goes on. So when Japanese are asking if your country have 4 seasons, they are also asking about these things strongly related to each season as well. It may be rather dumb to expect non-Japanese to understand all this background, but for them “4 seasons” has always been like this and they don’t know other “4 seasons”.
Oh, now I understand why he was so mad. I would go crazy too if everybody I meet asks me if Japan has tornados.
Genki , you are a breath of fresh air. Look forward to your post in the future, as I do with a few other people here.
I appreciate your honesty Genki and, as Frustrated Dave said, "You are a breath of fresh air" and I hope you stick around a while and continue posting your views.OK, “I can't believe" was an overstatement. I am 37 and I remember there was a sentou around our place when I was a kid around late 70's and early 80's. But of several friends' houses I visited back then, there was only one アパート that didn't have a bath and it was not like they were all rich. Actually the style people take bath have changed around 60's and 70's, so you are right. Back in 50's not many people had baths at home. Most of them went to sentou. But 90% of all homes in Japan have baths today, and it is Hokkaido where temperature can drop way below freezing, and It is not a one room アパート and is 30min drive from the nearest sento. The chance for this kind of place not having a bath today is probably like 1% or less.
However, I did not realize that in Hokkaido and such that the average sento would be a 30 minute drive from one's place as you and Azuma_fujin mentioned, but after thinking about it I guess it would make sense way out in the middle of nowhere and away from a central town. What I don't understand is why these houses were built without a sento in the first place when a public bath was not within walking distance. Does anyone have any insight as to why? As the Japanese are so fond of the bath and cleanliness I would have assumed that all rural houses would have a bath as a necessity. If one didn't have a car or it broke down I guess the family would have to wash up with a wet cloth.
Sounds weird, but I learned something new that I didn't know and will ask my wife about this as her family hails from rural Yamagata prefecture. When we visited her relatives there, although there was no bath in the house, the sento was a 15 walk away.
Very interesting way of putting it. Hope you don't mind if I steal it.It was like "don't even think about asking for the refill” printed on the wall with the paint only I could see and I couldn't make her believe it was there.
I can understand your frustration with foreigners not knowing the unwritten rules and nuances of Japanese culture as, what may seem normal to them/us and not such a big deal can be a VERY BIG DEAL in Japan. Interesting experience.
I saw an ad for a cheap apartment in Tokyo the other day (near Takadanobaba)--3 man a month for a 5畳 room and no bath. I couldn't do it...
Thank you Dave, I’ll stick around for a bit. I only hang out with Japanese people in Japan, so looking at Japan from English part of my brain is pretty interesting. I really didn’t realize why Maciamo was so frustrated with people asking him about 4 seasons all the time, but as I was typing my own post, it came to me. It could be annoying to me too if the question was something like “does your country have snow?” .….Wait, no if it’s “snow” I can start talking about skiing and stuff which I love to, so snow is OK, then again, “tornado” is boring.Genki , you are a breath of fresh air. Look forward to your post in the future, as I do with a few other people here.
I remember there were some news about the trend of sentos closing down all over Japan at some time in the past, probably in the mid 80’s. It became more common to take bath at home rather than going to sentos, and they could no longer sustain their business. The sento around our placed closed down in the early 80’s too, and I bet there was one very close to Azuma-san’s in-low parents’ place before.
I’d be proud of myself if I see it somewhere on the net in the future.
She understood after I explained it to her that they care about this pot of tea so much they probably brew it with specially selected water at precisely calculated temperature for what they think is the optimal length of time (well for $15 a pot, they’d better.), and so asking “hey why don’t you casually put some more tap water here. It doesn’t cost you anything anyway right?” was an insult to their diligence. But I couldn’t explain all that in several seconds and this kind of situations occurred way too often. So yes, it was somewhat frustrating.
Now we are more cautious though. I try to let my girlfriend learn things the hard way, and she tries not to think I am telling her what to do when we are in Japan. We are going to Tokyo next week, so we’ll see how much we grew up.
There is one of the best schools in Japan at Takadanobaba (Waseda University) so the main target for the room is probably those poor students. It’s nice to know that even if I go back to Tokyo I still have cheap places to live, but I don’t want to live like a college student neither if I don’t have to.
In Tokyo? At 3 man a month? If I were single and not making much money and there was a sento within walking distance I would jump on it to live in Tokyo proper for such a cheap price. Even though it was one room I hope it at least had a small kitchen/area for cooking or I couldn't do it either.
MY apartment 30 years ago was 30 miles from Tokyo, was a 2dk with bath and only cost 3 man a month ($100 back then). I couldn't afford to live in Tokyo. Today that same apartment is going for 38,000 yen per month last time I checked during my visit at New Years time.
Hey Genki,
I liked reading your response, and i must agree with you with what you wrote that it seems that way, there is alot of unwritten rules that i just don't get. My main questions/irks were "why do you let your father boss me around?" "Why can't i go outside by myself even when YOU suggested it and your father won't let me?", "why is it not okay to read the magazine at the table while your father is cooking?" (because it's such a rare moment in history???), etc etc. Some of the reasons i could guess...but it has seemed so annoying to me a times when in those situations and coming from somewhere where an offer to do housework is an offer of help, not an insult into your ability to do the housework.
Ok, i just had a deep and meaningful with my husband and it seems i was kept in the dark. So i apologise for saying something that has been the wrong thing.What I don't understand is why these houses were built without a sento in the first place when a public bath was not within walking distance. Does anyone have any insight as to why?
Apparently the nearest onsen is 15 minutes walk away, BUT, no one took me there, hubby included because they assumed i would not want to bathe with others. Instead everytime we go, we go to Obihiro for sento which has "family baths" in that it is separate little baths that two or more can use without mixing with strangers. And i've also just been told that it's also an onsen which hubby says "is a real sento". Grrr. All this time and nobody has asked me, just assumed. Yes, before you say anything the shoe is definitely on the other foot right now!
Sorry for the confusion people, but i have to say, joining this forum has been good for me as it's led me to question quite a lot and get answers to my questions, and if i hadn't, i would still be walking around thinking i know this, when i don't! Certainly an eye opener.
Sorry pachipro if i sent you on a wild goose hunt with your wife, my apologies.
Hearing about your girlfriend makes me cringe, but on the other hand, i feel i can sympathise with her "why the hell should it be so hard to get a refill?" As you know i'm still a learner big time, and i can see both points.
Actually , I am glad you have opened up, b/c it can only get better from here on in. There are a lot of unwritten rules here and some will baffle you for a long time before you can understand them. You need to understand that sometimes offering to do something for someone can be interpreted as a lack of trust or not recognizing their ability to do a certain thing, and not be taken as that you are only trying to help. Most people will never let you know if they have been offended by you even if you did not know that you have offended them. It is sort of a catch 22.Hey Genki,
I liked reading your response, and i must agree with you with what you wrote that it seems that way, there is alot of unwritten rules that i just don't get. My main questions/irks were "why do you let your father boss me around?" "Why can't i go outside by myself even when YOU suggested it and your father won't let me?", "why is it not okay to read the magazine at the table while your father is cooking?" (because it's such a rare moment in history???), etc etc. Some of the reasons i could guess...but it has seemed so annoying to me a times when in those situations and coming from somewhere where an offer to do housework is an offer of help, not an insult into your ability to do the housework.
Ok, i just had a deep and meaningful with my husband and it seems i was kept in the dark. So i apologise for saying something that has been the wrong thing.
Apparently the nearest onsen is 15 minutes walk away, BUT, no one took me there, hubby included because they assumed i would not want to bathe with others. Instead everytime we go, we go to Obihiro for sento which has "family baths" in that it is separate little baths that two or more can use without mixing with strangers. And i've also just been told that it's also an onsen which hubby says "is a real sento". Grrr. All this time and nobody has asked me, just assumed. Yes, before you say anything the shoe is definitely on the other foot right now!
Sorry for the confusion people, but i have to say, joining this forum has been good for me as it's led me to question quite a lot and get answers to my questions, and if i hadn't, i would still be walking around thinking i know this, when i don't! Certainly an eye opener.
Sorry pachipro if i sent you on a wild goose hunt with your wife, my apologies.
Hearing about your girlfriend makes me cringe, but on the other hand, i feel i can sympathise with her "why the hell should it be so hard to get a refill?" As you know i'm still a learner big time, and i can see both points.
Myself, I have offended someone before onlt to realize that I did 8 years down the track, I then appologised to them and we have been so much closer since then.
Things can be taken in completely different ways , and just one wrong word can dismantle all the trust we have gained with that person. (and they we not let you know it either) I swear the Japanese society invented teleapathy, b/c you need to know what someone is thinking without saying a word that direectly relates to what you are trying to say. Subtle hints are to most people a dirrect kick in face, where as most western societies need you to spell it out for someone to get the point. (I think we can be so obtuse in some circustances in western societies)
But, once you understand some of these things (no-one expects you to understand them all) you will have such a more fulling life as Japanese people can be , I don't know the english word but Japanese are "心が熱い".
As for your family assuming stuff about you, it can be hard to ask someone what they want to do and in Japanese you never ask someone what they "want" to do, it is more like what "shall" we do. So them( your family) not asking you can be quite normal. Anyway I have babbled long enough , but I am so pleased you have taken the approch you have taken.
It sounds like you offered to help, and he took it as an insult, and still he doesn’t like you to read magazines around him?? Your father in-law really puzzles me too. “because it's such a rare moment in history” might actually just be. I need more details to have any idea of what he really wanted if that’s ever possible. Some Japanese men, especially the ones in the north, speak very little and rarely express their feelings, so it is sometimes very hard to guess what they want even for me. I probably understand why he doesn’t let you walk around though. Most likely he thinks girls walking around at night is not safe, so it doesn’t matter who asks. You might think it is your own safety and it’s your own responsibility, but Japanese parents tend to treat their children, including in-laws, well, like their children, even after they became adults, especially when they are under their parents’ roof. “As long as you are under my roof, you follow my rules” literally means that in Japan. I presume that they said not much about “your” rule when they were under “your” roof. Even I, 37years old male, sometimes avoid staying at my parents place because they, more like my mother in my case, could be really nosy and bossy. So I understand the frustration.
Hey Dave,
Thanks for your response.
I'll say! It's really hard to get used to. I find i have to catch myself alot, being that i don't live there, i just don't get used to not saying some things. I'm the kind of person that always offers help to someone, it's my nature, not something that i think about, but when in Japan, i have to think about it, lest i stuff up and make someone else feel bad.You need to understand that sometimes offering to do something for someone can be interpreted as a lack of trust or not recognizing their ability to do a certain thing
I see what you mean. And so if you didn't want to do something would it be ok to say "lets not"? Or would that still be rude? I'm always direct with my husband, but i don't really know the protocol for saying no when i'm in Japan. I have said it to hubby before and he's passed on the message, but how do i actually say it myself? I would like to be able to express myself directly without treading on someone's toes but without playing chinese whispers in my husbands ear!it can be hard to ask someone what they want to do and in Japanese you never ask someone what they "want" to do, it is more like what "shall" we do
and saying "no" is a tricky one 'cause Japanese just don't say it very often, but "I'd rather not." with a sorry facial expression whould probably work just fine.
Genki, he wouldn't let me out alone in the day time. I should have clarified that. If it was at night i could have seen why, but in broad day light? I just needed some "me" time, alone, so i wanted to just go for a bit of a walk round the block, and i wasn't allowed. I also wasn't allowed to catch the train to Obihiro by myself in the day, even though hubby said it was fine, i know my way, can read the signs blah blah...
Wow in the day time? he is, eh, hardcore old man to say the least.I'm still a little bit confused though. Do they make you stay at their place or do they flip and scream things like "xxxx(your husband name here) !! anata isshoni itterasshai!!!" and make your husband go with you? Former is very strange. Japanese girls don't get that kind of treatments ether. If it's later, I can see that happen. They can't see they are limiting your freedom.
I need to get on the plane to Narita in 7 hours, so I may not be able to respond to you for a while like 2 weeks. But I just found that I missed some of your posts here and I'll try to check them in Tokyo if I can.
I might have some cultural conflicts with my girlfriend to talk to you guys about when I come back. Later.
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