Radical difference between East and West regarding relationships and marriage

[Han Chan]

Han Chan, you didn't write a new article of your own. What you did was criticise paragraph by paragraph the original article. But could you write one on the same topic from scratch ? I doubt...
Where do you get your knowledge about Japanese marriages, except from other articles on the web ? Have you lived in Japan ? Do you know something about Japanese families ? That is not the same as Western-Japanese couples !

No problem.

I could write a new article, but the theme would not be to compare Japan and West, and adding a lot of personal stereotypical points of view.

The article could be about family life in Japan. However, I would spend some time to do some more ressearch on the issue, before claiming to be an expert. I am a Social Scientist so I do have the qualifications to do this kind of ressearch. But I will not even start this work, before I know if Jref would be interested in replacing the article made by Machiamo.

My knowledge about japanese family life is based on my experiences from visiting friends and family in Japan. Further my japanese wife has for more than nine years now been my main key informant. She used to work as "gender expert" for JICA. She is a keen observer of problems, trends and changes concerning the role of women and men in Japan. It seems clear to me that the gender roles are changing fast among some groups in Japan now. However, there seem to be a lot conservatism regarding the expectations towards the role of mothers. One of the consequenses is that many young japanese women do not want to marry, because they do not find the role as "housewife" attractive. She have made me realize that there are actually very significant regional and generational variations, therefore I would be vary cautious about saying japanese men think...or...japanese women are... Generalisations are often pointless.

[jt9258]

My knowledge about japanese family life is based on my experiences from visiting friends and family in Japan.

So experience is gained from visiting friends and family in Japan, who follow a
culture of Honne/Tatemai, where there real face may not be shown.

It seems clear to me that the gender roles are changing fast among some groups in Japan now.

There may be some change, though I have yet to witness this change.

However, there seem to be a lot conservatism regarding the expectations towards the role of mothers. One of the consequenses is that many young japanese women do not want to marry, because they do not find the role as "housewife" attractive.

While many do not find the role of being a "housewife" attractive, many find it difficult to accept change, because they feel they have a role and responsibility within a marriage, and would feel guilty and lazy if they were expected to accept a lesser role, than what they regard as being normal, so they just stay single.

I feel it is wrong to think that only young Japanese women are not getting married, there many Japanese women of all ages who have never been married. And there still are Japanese women who will take a husband, because of peer pressure from family members, and these women are not happy, because they really did not want marriage.

[ShadowSpirit]

So experience is gained from visiting friends and family in Japan, who follow a
culture of Honne/Tatemai, where there real face may not be shown.
There may be some change, though I have yet to witness this change.
While many do not find the role of being a "housewife" attractive, many find it difficult to accept change, because they feel they have a role and responsibility within a marriage, and would feel guilty and lazy if they were expected to accept a lesser role, than what they regard as being normal, so they just stay single.
I feel it is wrong to think that only young Japanese women are not getting married, there many Japanese women of all ages who have never been married. And there still are Japanese women who will take a husband, because of peer pressure from family members, and these women are not happy, because they really did not want marriage.

First off, thank you for your detailed reply and concern for my situation. The insight is very helpful.

However, you are refining my apprehensions about marrying a Japanese woman. I am well read on the soto/uchi and honne/tatemae social behavior of the Japanese people. Though I also believe that no matter what the culture is, there are always people whom don't share the same mindset as the rest of their peers. It is in that from which I hope I am able to find such a woman like that in Japan and to somehow draw out her sincere honne.

My concern is deep seeded. I am devoting as much of my time as I can afford to learning the Japanese culture and language. Shujin, Kanai; words like these and other are used to describe the husband as master of his house and the woman as its caretaker. Me knowing things like this will make it that much easier for me to help liberate a Japanese woman's mind to not be subservient. I want an equal, not a slave. I like Japanese women for their physical beauty, their humbleness, their delicate nature, fun-loving hobbies, and metaphorical innocence. That is what I'm looking to marry into. I don't want a woman who panders to my needs by obligation. Who is with me because she thinks she has to be or that she is unworthy of anybody else. I guess for me to delve into more detail only beats the obvious to death.

[jt9258]

Though I also believe that no matter what the culture is, there are always people whom don't share the same mindset as the rest of their peers.

Agreed! But while they may not share the same mindset as there peers, they may very well receive peer pressure to conform, it could also be said that the reason Japanese people marry foreigners and live outside Japan, is because they escape this peer pressure, and can express themselves and live a more free and relaxed relationship with there western partner. Living in Japan, they may never escape this peer pressure to conform, after marriage and children, the children enter the educations system, the peer pressure will be there for the mother to conform.

It is in that from which I hope I am able to find such a woman like that in Japan and to somehow draw out her sincere honne.

I fully understand, though it can be very difficult, public displays of affection are frowned on, so it would prove difficult to offer a wife a simple kiss good bye, when she goes off to work, or an appointment etc, trying to separate what she can and cannot do is very difficult, because the type of relationship you are looking for, means that any wife, would have to conform to what is expected of her in public, but behind closed doors in your own house, she should be more relaxed with the type of relationship you share, and not do things out of an obligation.

Me knowing things like this will make it that much easier for me to help liberate a Japanese woman's mind to not be subservient. I want an equal, not a slave.

But they do not regard themselves as being a slave, as mentioned in my last post, there are Japanese women who do not want to follow the traditional role of housewife, and want some thing better, but the reality is, that they feel guilty and lazy, when they are not doing what they regard as normal. So it should be remembered that while there are Japanese women who say they want a different type of relationship, and may even like the idea of the prospect of change, in most cases they would find it very difficult, if not impossible to change.
Trying to liberate a Japanese women may be much harder than just accepting her and how things really are, following this route of liberating a Japanese women can bring much stress and frustration for yourself, I should know, I have been married to a Japanese women for 7 years, while my wife does not like many aspects of the culture, and the requirement to conform, she feels obligated to do so, because if she did any different, she would be hammered down by her peers.

I like Japanese women for their physical beauty, their humbleness, their delicate nature, fun-loving hobbies, and metaphorical innocence. That is what I'm looking to marry into. I don't want a woman who panders to my needs by obligation.

OK! In most cases a Japanese wife would be looking for a husband to provide for her, and any children that come along, a husband being a good provider will be very important to her, while you may be happy to assist with the housework, cook and look after the children, a Japanese wife may be pleased and happy that she has a husband, who will share in these tasks, though she may also still have strong feelings, that her husband is failing in his "obligation" to be a good provider, because she may feel its her duty to do these tasks around the house while her husband should be working to provide for the family, so its not just about a wife's "obligations".