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Thread: Stupid jokes

  1. #1
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    Talking Stupid jokes

    Why are seamen always so cheerful ?


    Because they like having a merry time.






    (didn't get it ? merry time = maritime )


    That was limit... That's why I have started a stupid jokes topic. After a hard day, sometimes its enough to make you laugh (if you are drunk...)

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  2. #2
    Decommissioned ex-admin thomas's Avatar
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    Hehe, there are a lot of seamen/semen jokes, but, oh well, perhaps in the adult section, if we ever open one.

  3. #3
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    Corny, but I like it, hehe.

  4. #4
    I jump to conclusions mad pierrot's Avatar
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    Have you heard about that new restaurant on the moon?

    Great food and good prices... but just no

    ATMOSPHERE!


  5. #5
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    What about that new pilot recruited in emergency by Aeroflot. As he hadn't graduated from the aviaton school but they were badly in need of pilots, so he was told to take crash course.

  6. #6
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    What about the ice cream man that was found dead, covered in hundreds and thousands. The police said he topped himself.

  7. #7
    Jinushi
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    These are funny!! And I haven't had a hard day, nor am I drunk!!

  8. #8
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff
    What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.

    Thank you! I'll be here all week!

  9. #9
    Jinushi
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    Quote Originally Posted by thomas
    Hehe, there are a lot of seamen/semen jokes, but, oh well, perhaps in the adult section, if we ever open one.
    Hey, an "adult section" would be cool!!

  10. #10
    Hentai Koutaishi Lina Inverse's Avatar
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    What's red and rotates very fast?
    [spoiler=Answer]A frog in a mixer[/spoiler]

    Quote Originally Posted by Satori
    Hey, an "adult section" would be cool!!
    Yes, that would be really great!

  11. #11
    Jinushi
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lina Inverse
    What's red and rotates very fast?
    Answer: A frog in a mixer
    Eeewwwww!!!!


    Seriously, an adult section would be really great!!

  12. #12
    Jinushi
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    MY RESUME

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -- I
    couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
    they gave me the axe.

    After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly
    because it was a so-so job.

    Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

    I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

    Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

    Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

    Next I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
    on my net income.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
    the work was just too draining.

    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to
    the task.

    So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

    Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

    After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

    My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

    Now, I'm helping chart the course of our nation's future by helping resolve
    the ballot situation in Florida. But, I'm not getting paid, so I guess it
    doesn't count!

    ______________________

    STOCK NEWS

    I just received this from my broker. I don't normally pass on stock tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another "Enron."

    Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
    American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co., & Northern Tissue Co.

    Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your
    American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and
    millions were wiped clean.

    ___________________

    Weird Signs

    On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
    "We're #1 in the #2 business."
    **************************

    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
    **************************
    At a Proctologist's door
    "To expedite your visit please back in."
    **************************
    On a Plumber's truck:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."
    **************************
    On a Plumber's truck:
    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
    **************************
    Pizza Shop Slogan:
    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
    **************************
    At a Tire Shop:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."
    **************************
    On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
    "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
    **************************
    At a Towing company:
    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
    **************************
    On an Electrician's truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."
    **************************
    In a Nonsmoking Area:
    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
    **************************
    On a Maternity Room door:
    "Push. Push. Push."
    **************************
    At an Optometrist's Office
    "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
    **************************
    On a Taxidermist's window:
    "We really know our stuff."
    **************************
    In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."
    **************************
    On a Fence:
    "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
    **************************
    At a Car Dealership:
    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
    **************************
    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
    **************************
    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
    **************************
    At the Electricity Company:
    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
    **************************
    In a Restaurant window:
    "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
    **************************
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
    **************************
    At a Propane Filling Station,
    "Tank heaven for little grills."
    **************************
    And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:
    "Best place in town to take a leak."


    _______________________

  13. #13
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    Those are great Satori! I'm trying to get a job at a bakery - I really need the dough. Thank you, thank you!

    There's an Indian builder near where I live and it says on his van: "You've tried all the cowboys - now try the Indian."

  14. #14
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records EscaFlowne's Avatar
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    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -- I
    couldn't concentrate.

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

    On a Fence:
    "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

    All those were great! I love these!
    "An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind." ~ Buddha
    "I am clever because I know the cause of my ignorance..." ~ Bruce Lee

    Cacawate Fan Club: President "Personal" Assitant

  15. #15
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    Some apostrophes are having a party and in walks a full stop. Everyone stops and stares. The full stop says: "What...I gelled my hair".

  16. #16
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    A woman was in the garden with her three daughters.
    "Mummy," the first daughter asked. "Why am I called Rose?"
    "Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
    "Mummy," the second daughter asked. "Why am I called Tulip?"
    "Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on
    your forehead."
    The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammmangh!"
    The mother replied, "Be quiet, Fridge."

  17. #17
    Envious of Nabeshin's Fro Fantt's Avatar
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    These three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it first.

    These three psychics walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have forseen it first.

    Jovial - I'm not sure what a full stop is...

  18. #18
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    Ah, my bad. It's a period, Yankee.

  19. #19
    Co-owner: Jovesca Records jovial_jon's Avatar
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    A man is standing at a bar when he hears a voice coming from the peanut
    bowl. "I really like your tie," it says. "You're smashing, you are. You're
    really lovely." Surprised, the man picks up his drink, and walks to his
    table. Passing the cigarette machine, he hears another voice. "You and your
    wife are ugly, fat and stupid," the voice says. The man is baffled and asks
    the barman what is going on. "I'm so sorry," says the barman. "The peanuts
    are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."

  20. #20
    I jump to conclusions mad pierrot's Avatar
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    @jon

    hahahahahahahaha

  21. #21
    I jump to conclusions mad pierrot's Avatar
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    Post Turtle

    While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

    The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the
    old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

    He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence
    post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by
    himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's
    up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post
    turtle."


  22. #22
    Custom Graphix Artist Martialartsnovice's Avatar
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    Heres some Confucious quotes I found one time:

    Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
    Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
    Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
    Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
    Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.

    Well since Xhristmas has passed, I guess Im late in positng this spinoff of "Silent Night"

    Silent Fart, deadly fart, all was calm, but not for long" thats all Ican remember from the Larry the Cable Guy "Git-R-Done" DVD I got for a B-day gift this year.

    I think we should have a "adult section" for this kind of humor
    “To every man there comes a time in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing unique to him and fitted to his talent; what a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour.”

    Sir Winston Churchill

  23. #23
    Angelic Fruitcake pinkkillerkisou's Avatar
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    A man walks into a bar... "Ouch!"

    ...that one is so dumb you have to laugh!

    OR maybe you like your mama jokes... here's a personal favorite.

    Your mama so old... when I told her to act her age she died.

    For some reason I just picture a little old lady dropping dead instantly...

    残酷なまま引き裂かれてく・・・

  24. #24
    Remember me? Please? D: Horizon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mad pierrot
    While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

    The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the
    old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

    He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence
    post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by
    himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's
    up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post
    turtle."


    Hahahahah! That's the BEST thing I've EVER heard! -likes anything involving dissing George W. Bush-

    Go you!


    Quote Originally Posted by jovial_jon
    A woman was in the garden with her three daughters.
    "Mummy," the first daughter asked. "Why am I called Rose?"
    "Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
    "Mummy," the second daughter asked. "Why am I called Tulip?"
    "Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on
    your forehead."
    The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammmangh!"
    The mother replied, "Be quiet, Fridge."
    -dies. Just plain out dies-

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maciamo
    That was limit... That's why I have started a stupid jokes topic. After a hard day, sometimes its enough to make you laugh (if you are drunk...)

    Or stoned.. ( im not stoned... but if you are stoned its nice i think!!)

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