Dirty jokes

[Maciamo]

To divide the thread on Japanese jokes :

A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!

She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!

She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"

[Maciamo]

The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse.

The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room"

The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.."

The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..."

Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another..."

[deborah gormley]

@Maciamo Brilliant now that first joke made me laugh out loud

[NQT]

Clever. Gave me a good chuckle.

[mad pierrot]

Two guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his penis. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

[Vodkee]

Why do dogs lick themselves?







Because they can't make a fist!

[Satori]

Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus....Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting

THE CLINTON Virus....Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...Makes a new hard drive out of an old
floppy

THE LEWINSKY virus...Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

THE MIKE TYSON virus....Quits after two bytes

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...Deletes all old files

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...Disks can no longer be inserted

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...Only attacks minor files

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows

______________________________

Health Care


Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of Australia's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would probably die."

"Oh, I am sorry, poor fellow" said the Queen. On the next floor they pass a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening here?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health coverage."

_________________________

The Horth


Guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to
look at a horse.

"How will I recognize him?" he asks.


"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget shows
up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her tw*t"?

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's tw*t, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

_____________________

Viagra joke ...


The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten list. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The Top Ten:

10. Whaazzzzz Up!
9. The quicker pecker upper.
8. Like a rock!
7. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Be all that you can be.
5. Reach out and touch someone.
4. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Tastes great! More filling!
2. We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis ... this is your penis on drugs ...


__________________________

Top 10 Ways to Tell Someone Their Zipper Is Unzipped:
By David Letterman ...


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped ....

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"

[mad pierrot]

They finally came up with the generic word for over-the-counter Viagra:


Mycoxaflopin

[Lina Inverse]

Health Care

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of Australia's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would probably die."

"Oh, I am sorry, poor fellow" said the Queen. On the next floor they pass a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening here?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health coverage."

I'm sure there's still a third patient with even better health coverage, resulting in a nurse "riding" him five times a day

[anadorei]

Here's a few for ya......


A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a nice cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said to the person sitting next to him: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"



CASE DISMISSED
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court, the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied:" Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition.

She sat under an advertising sign that said," The Double Mint Twins are coming", and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said," Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling"; and I had to grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said,' William's Big Stick Did The Trick', and I could hardly control myself.

But when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said " Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident", I laughed out loud.

Case Dismissed said the Judge.



"The Suppository Incident"

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him.

She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

"Memorandum!"

TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: August 3, 2000

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the **** do you expect me to do this?



TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No ******* way!



TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.



TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a ****.



TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a ****.



TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my ******* problem.



TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the ****?



TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: **** it, it won't work.



TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?



TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the **** cares?



TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ***.



TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ***.



TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: **** it, I'm on salary.



TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ***.



TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.



TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?



TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Bite me.



TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another ******* meeting?



TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a ****.



TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a ******* prick.



TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting *****.



TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: What the **** are you doing?