Take this with a grain of salt as it was intended.

日本語 わかりますか (Do you understand Japanese?)

Let's imagine for a minute that we entered the “Twilight Zone” and we all woke up tomorrow morning and Japan was everything a few immersed gaijin desired. (Lexico's poll, in another thread, would then show a majority selecting "with dignity and respect".)

Now we were finally accepted as part of the Japanese culture with no discrimination or hypocrisy whatsoever. The law now states in Japan that all gaijin are to be first asked if they understand Japanese and if they do, they are to be treated as a resident equal.

Upon hearing our fluent Japanese, all Japanese would bow to us and would know not to use silly sign language like we were monkeys or be flustered or embarrassed when they first encounter us. If they stepped on our foot in a supermarket, they would first ask "日本語 わかりますか?" (Do you understand Japanese?) If we were fluent, they would treat us as they would any normal Japanese person and would reply, “すみません 外国人さま”(I’m sorry most honorable foreigner.)

Even the Japanese police would be required to first ask all gaijin riding their bicycles, in Japanese, "日本語 わかりますか?" (Do you understand Japanese?) and upon hearing our fluent Japanese, they would bow to us and wave us on our way without checking the registration number on our bicycle or asking for our gaijin card as, since we spoke fluent Japanese, we were to be treated as any normal Japanese and couldn’t possibly have stolen a bicycle or be in the country illegally.

Upon entering a restaurant, bar, dry cleaners etc., we would first be greeted with “Welcome.” We would then be asked the question "日本語 わかりますか?" (Do you understand Japanese?) And, hearing that we did understand the language, we would be treated as a normal Japanese person. No sign language or shyness at all from the Japanese as after all, we are fluent in their language, know their culture and history, and deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect as any Japanese person.

However, because we are gaijin and hate redundancy, the Japanese would be informed NEVER to welcome us again into their place of business should we exit and return within a few minutes or hours. Heck, why not ever say “welcome” to us ever again as they should already know us and they know how much foreigners dislike them acting like robots.

When we first meet Japanese people, they would be required by law, to first ask us “Do you understand Japanese?” Upon hearing our fluency, they would know NEVER to ask us if we could use chopsticks, like Japanese food, sleep in a futon, etc. because it would be assumed that since we are fluent, we must do all things a Japanese person does. And they would know how much a foreigner hates to hear those questions if they are fluent

They would be told NEVER to ask a fluent gaijin if we like natto or ikura, or can eat sushi, or enjoy the Japanese bath because we probably do and they wouldn’t want to offend the honorable fluent gaijin as they were probably asked that question by someone else, somewhere, sometime. They would just take it for granted that we probably do, even though not all Japanese like all things Japanese. But, heaven forbid, they would not want to make the fluent honorable gaijin irate lest we come to disparage Japan and her customs.

They would be informed that if the honorable gaijin looks lost or confused and, if they are fluent, to never offer ones assistance, especially if they have a map in hand. If we do ask for directions in fluent Japanese they would be informed to just reply with, “You are fluent, find it yourself,” as they might offend us otherwise.

The Japanese people would also be required to first ask a gaijin’s country of origin before they ask us if we have such and such in “America”. Even though the majority of Japanese people have only interacted with Americans and it was Americans who occupied Japan after the war and gave them their constitution, and it was America who paid to rebuild Japan, and it is Americans who constitute the largest majority of gaijin in Japan, they should not offend other people from another country by assuming they were American.

However, if the gaijin in question was not fluent, the Japanese could do as they please as the gaijin would not know the difference anyway and probably wouldn’t mind having those questions asked or be offered assistance. He might even welcome it and the chance to make a new acquaintance and maybe learn something new.

Even if this were the law in Japan, some immersed gaijin would still say something like, “The Japanese do not speak to us and are just patronizing us.” They might even say, “The Japanese are not interested in us as they do not even ask us if we like their culture and food. They don’t even want to know why we are there and why we have lived in Japan so long. Therefore, they must hate gaijin and must secretly want us out of their country. The Japanese are discriminatory against gaijin!”

Sound inane? I thought so. What kind of country would Japan be if this was the way it was? A better place for immersed foreigners to live? I think not as someone, somewhere would complain about this also. I think it would be a boring place and it would be very difficult to meet new people as the only thing a Japanese can now ask you is your name and country of origin. Can you imagine what it would be like if the Japanese were not allowed to ask you why you like Japan, the food, customs, etc, just because you were fluent and may become irate? How many people would you meet or make friends with? Not many.

Personally, as a fluent gaijin, I like Japan just the way it is. Sure there is room for improvement, but that will come in time. Heck, even if it doesn’t come as fast as I want it, it is not my country, I am not Japanese, and why would I want to criticize another country’s customs and culture when I am their guest even though I may not agree with some of them? Sure some constructive criticism is acceptable, and even encouraged. But to completely expect a country to change overnight or to disparage their customs and the way they act is going a little bit too far I think.

Besides, it is too much fun being an immersed foreigner in Japan. We can pretend we don’t know the language to see what people are really saying about us. If we feign ignorance at first, and pretend that we don’t know the language, we can tell if a person really likes us for who we are or if they are just patronizing us just because we are a foreigner. This is especially useful when meeting new people. It is also useful when walking into a strange establishment as we can understand what the people are saying about us as to whether they want us there or not. If we screw up on their customs we can just say, “I didn’t know,” and we are usually forgiven. This can come in handy in some situations.

Being totally accepted in Japanese culture would require me to act, think, and be Japanese to the core. That I do not want as I totally enjoy being the henna gaijin (strange foreigner) and thinking for myself. I enjoy meeting new people, walking into new establishments and don’t mind answering the usual “20 questions” all foreigners, fluent or not, are asked time and time again, sometimes from the same people, although this is rare.

When in Japan, I usually walk into an establishment as if I belonged there and start speaking Japanese as would any indigenous customer. Upon hearing my Japanese, the transaction continues as normal as if I were a Japanese person whether it be in a post office, supermarket, department store, bar, or bank. And in 30 years, not one Japanese has ever used sign language while speaking to me and I have interacted with a countless number of them. When they hear that I can speak their language they are usually relieved, don’t treat me any different, and I have made numerous friends because of it.

Japan can be a wonderful country if you are a fluent foreigner. Enjoy it!