Why do Japanese talk so much about marriage ?

[budd]

"The US has the world's highest rate of divorce, but European countries have a similar or even lower rate than Japan."
it didn't make sense to me neither but it sounded good. sorry about that

"Interestingly, Japanese people do not speak much about divorce, as if they thought it would never happen."
exactly

"That made me think that Japanese do not care enough about what's really important, and prefer talking only about their gorgeous wedding party and what age they should get married."
still sounds like america to me
50% of the available magazines @ the health club were bridal/brides or something

[GaijinPunch]

still sounds like america to me
50% of the available magazines @ the health club were bridal/brides or something

Haha -- no joke. I went to a Christian University for a year my freshman year. One of my friends was waiting for a chick in the girls dorm. There was a book there on the end table called "You and Your Wedding". *shudders*

[Maciamo]

"That made me think that Japanese do not care enough about what's really important, and prefer talking only about their gorgeous wedding party and what age they should get married."
still sounds like america to me
50% of the available magazines @ the health club were bridal/brides or something

Do Americans usually have wedding parties in 5-star hotels or similarily expensive reception rooms ? Do many Americans have their wedding abroad (or in Hawaii) ? In the last three month, Japanese aquaintances of mine have told me about maybe 8 wedding parties they went to, and 3 of them were in Hawaii (one in the Sheraton on the Big Island, and over 20 guests who came on purpose from Japan).

Weddings can be quite different depending on the country in Europe, but in my family's case it is normal to have the wedding at home or if there is no space (rare case) in a restaurant or public hall in the area. It doesn't have to be luxurious because we don't invite people from work at all. No boss, no colleagues (except if they are very good friends)... just the family and a few best friends (not like my wife's case, where over 60 friends were invited and nearly 50 came).

Just imagine the cost of what you have to give back by attending all your friends' wedding parties. As there are often 2 or 3 receptions in one day in Japan (from the most formal with the boss, etc. to the least formal with intimate friends only), the best friends are expected to attend the 2 or 3 of them and pay something like 2x 30,000yen (2x 300US$) and 10,000yen (100US$) = 70,000yen. That's just for one day and one friend ! My wife has on average 7 wedding parties a year (sometimes 3 in a single month) and I sometimes also attend when I know her friend well. Just count that if she goes to 50 wedding parties in total, even if she attends only 1 ceremony that is 50 x 30,000yen = 1,500,000yen (+ the clothes she buy sometimes only to attend those wedding parties, and that are more expensive than usually clothes).

Let's say that 2,000,000yen (20,000US$) is what (young) Japanese people usually spend on their friends wedding parties. I don't think my wife is an exception for having so many friends. ALL the Japanese women with whom I spoke about wedding parties have as many friends and wedding parties to attend (of course I don't speak about weddding parties with all the people I know...).

[PopCulturePooka]

I really have an odd dislike for 'princeses'. Girls who want to get married it seems SOLELY to have a big overblown wedding ceremony with pretty dress, and white swans in a big ole church etc. Without paying any mind to the fact that they are entering into what should be a lifelong commitement to someone.

[GaijinPunch]

I recall going to many very nice weddings in the states. I guess it's a personal thing. I guess most weddings I've been to are in churches... the reception will generally cost a lot of money. I guess it really depends on location and time of year.

I think your comment about Hawaii is valid, although it has a slight fault. Hawaii, while expensive to Americans, is a thrifty vacation for the Japanese... especially for weddings which are horrendously expensive. I was married in the best resort in Kauai, on the beach, with 5 days in a pretty pimped out suite. The whole thing was like $2000 USD, and you know what -- the weather was beautiful, and it was late October. It's not a bad place to get married, it's close (relatively speaking), and there's a whole business catered to these people. You can not speak a lick of English and do fine.

FYI -- I have two relatives that had their weddings in Florida on the beach, and they're both from the midwest. Kinda the same thing, no?

[Maciamo]

FYI -- I have two relatives that had their weddings in Florida on the beach, and they're both from the midwest. Kinda the same thing, no?

I guess Americans and Japanese hold events far from home more easily than Europeans. I already knew that Americans travelled longer distance more casually than Europeans, but I also realised recently that many of the Japanese I know have lived in many prefectures quite remote from each others.

Eventhough Europeans travel a lot and far away on vacation, they don't move so much at home because countries are smaller (and languages different between countries and region) and because for some reason (density of population, history ?) 100km seems far to many people, while for Americans or Japanese, 100km is "next door". Similarily 100 years feels almost as old to a Japanese as to an American, but for a European that's very new (200 years is still new, 300-400 years is normal, over 500 years is a bit old and over 2000 years is quite old ).

[misa.j]

Posted by Maciamo, Then in my case, my wife's family is only 2 people, and their opnion was not decisive in getting married, but why wife still insisted on having a lavish wedding party.

When you and your wife were planning for the wedding, did your preference get taken as an option? I feel bad for you that you had to have the wedding left you negative memory. I would assume you made a lot of compromise for your wife, though I think should you have been more sturbborn and clear about what you liked to your wife, your wedding must have been closer to your style.

Posted by Maciamo, What I don't understand is why she or her married friends continue to talk about marriage (other people's marriage, or comapring each other's situtation, which can only lead to jealousy on one part or the other) years after getting married ?

Women often talk about their friends' marriages just to acknowledge or share their happiness, having said that I understand that some women like to compare and feel good about how her wedding was more expensive and more people came, which I think is disgraceful.

I wouldn't know what kind of wedding I would have had if I got married in Japan, but my husband and I invited only his family including his old dog in the woods, a retired judge from the village read parts from "prophet", told us to exchange rings which we didn't have(neither of us likes jewelry), so we exchanged little sticks that were taken from the trees. Later on, we went to his parents' house and had hotdogs & beer. We didn't care about the honeymoon either. Both of my husband and I have to feel like ourselves than to have a huge show to be happy, so it worked out beautifully.

[DoctorP]

I guess Americans and Japanese hold events far from home more easily than Europeans. I already knew that Americans travelled longer distance more casually than Europeans, but I also realised recently that many of the Japanese I know have lived in many prefectures quite remote from each others

I don't know that Americans travel so easily for a wedding, unless the two people getting married are originally from two different areas. (which does happen often) But most of these arrangements that I am familiar with result in the wedding happening near the brides home since her family usually foots the bill for the wedding! But I do agree that as a whole Americans do not mind travelling at all....Driving 6-10 hours in a car is nothing for me! My Japanese friends though seem to think that is crazy! I think that comes from living on an island and not really having far to go.

I know that back home in the US weddings usually took place at a local church and the receptions would be done either at the church, country club, or civic center. The weather is too unpredictable where I am from and outside weddings don't happen so often. The weddings I have been to in Japan (including my own) were held in huge hotel ball rooms with many guests (as you said). If I were asked to attend a wedding far away I would probably decline going. It is not worthwhile for me to travel to Hawaii to watch a Japanese couple get married...just doesn't make good sense to me!

[GaijinPunch]

I don't know that Americans travel so easily for a wedding, unless the two people getting married are originally from two different areas.

I was actually home for my sisters wedding two years ago. A friend that we grew up with was getting married the weekend before, so we went to his wedding which was a 5 hour drive away. So, my mother, father, sister, and myself packed in the Nissan whatever, and made the trek. It was fun... but I have no clue how we did it so often (we took 2-hour drives all the time) as youngsters. Maybe I spent too much time in a train-friendly country.

Oh -- the wedding was a blast, and wasn't really that fancy. It was outdoors, and quite homey.

[budd]

"Do Americans usually have wedding parties in 5-star hotels or similarily expensive reception rooms? Do many Americans have their wedding abroad (or in Hawaii)?"

yep. the ones i know do -- i'm always invited to take pictures
but lets also talk about how commitment is perceived within different countries
jobs apartments healthcare/sickness transportation safety/crime

i gave a japanese friend a computer, but he was too embarassed to tell me that he still didn't have roadrunner afterwards -- even though he had been paying the service bill for two months

[Maciamo]

When you and your wife were planning for the wedding, did your preference get taken as an option?

Yes. My only condition was "no church, no chapel, no priest (not even fake)". I didn't mind a Shinto shrine, but she didn't want lol.
For the rest, I left everything up to her as I didn't care much about the ceremony, so that was ok.

I feel bad for you that you had to have the wedding left you negative memory. I would assume you made a lot of compromise for your wife, though I think should you have been more sturbborn and clear about what you liked to your wife, your wedding must have been closer to your style.

I don't feel bad about the wedding. If I had wanted to have one particular type of wedding, I would have insisted (and there is no way she could have won ), but as anyway the ceremony was in Japan and my family and friends were in Europe, and that I didn't mind not having a ceremony at all (like many men, even Japanese it seems), that was no problem. Actually it was just a 2h party with lots of games, dances, karaoke, etc. all in a lavish place and great food, and I didn't have to pay a penny. So I can't complain. On my side, we only invited my parents, as it would be too much trouble for the other to come to Tokyo at their expenses AND pay 30,000yen, just for 2h. I also don't really have to attend her 50 friends' weddings (just a few for those I know best).

"Do Americans usually have wedding parties in 5-star hotels or similarily expensive reception rooms? Do many Americans have their wedding abroad (or in Hawaii)?"

yep. the ones i know do --

Now I remember that some people in my family had rented a castle for their weddings. However I think it's cheaper than a the hotel's wedding rooms in Tokyo, although much more prestigeous. I guess Japanese would be ready to pay tens of millions to rent such as castle, were it be be found in Japan. But where I come from each village (say 1,000 inhabitants) has in average two castles...

[Maciamo]

When I was saying that the Japanese make more fuss about their wedding than Europeans, it seems to be confirmed by the website of this Belgian castle, which offers "wedding ceremonies for Japanese couples". Interestingly, it seems that Belgians or other Europeans (who all live nearer than the Japanese), do not request such wedding ceremonies.

[budd]

"wedding ceremonies for American couples"
http://www.usabride.com/destinations/
i ain't gone tell nobody what to spend they money on, i have to go to target

[noodle]

Do Americans usually have wedding parties in 5-star hotels or similarily expensive reception rooms ? Do many Americans have their wedding abroad (or in Hawaii) ?

really only if they can afford it. >__> i think the most general thing you could say about american weddings is that people have weddings that suit them. i've been to cheap, simple (and quite lovely) weddings and more lavish, dinner-for-every-guest weddings. there are certain things that are frequently the same but people like to add their own personality to the whole thing. of course, many cultural groups still have weddings according to their own customs.

chinese do something similar to japanese... you are pretty much required to bring money as a guest. a friend of mine couldn't go to her friend's chinese wedding banquet because she couldn't afford it.

hawaii boring and ordinary? hehe... my boyfriend complains the opposite- all other places are uninteresting because he grew up there and nothing compares to the scenery there. but i guess that's quite different from only visiting the more touristy sections.

[celtician]

Most Japanese women just want a meal ticket "for life" They don't even understand what they are doing only wasting lots of money because they are too confused to have a simple weddingu which has to be 'faux Las Vegas, Western' plus Shinto or Buddist (too confused to decide which) and then become simple breeding machines to ward off the "Chinese 'threat" which is in every Japanese politician's mind.
And yes they don't talk about divorce an inconveniento subjecto!

[Chipi]

CCI said earlier "I really never notice Japanese men speaking of marriage at all, only the women."

During last summer (3 months in Japan) and this summer (6 weeks) I have heard Japanese men mentioning wedding in some way actually surpsilingly many times. I never hear my western male friends talking about marriage (not with a word, unless someone they know is getting married), so relatively I think the wedding is in the minds of Japanese men too a lot more often than the westerners..
Usually they might ask about weddings in my country, or if i want to get married some day.

I really have an odd dislike for 'princeses'. Girls who want to get married it seems SOLELY to have a big overblown wedding ceremony with pretty dress, and white swans in a big ole church etc. Without paying any mind to the fact that they are entering into what should be a lifelong commitement to someone.

..and to admit, a couple of times the men have also asked if i could marry them.. after knowing me for a few days (!!). So the men can have this "princess" attitude also... its quite confusing :

[Flashjeff]

Guest usually have to pay about 30,000yen (300US$) to attend a wedding, and I have heard many people complaning (esp. in October, November) because they had to attend 3 weddings that months and pay 90,000yen.

I know I'm late on this thread, but, three Benjamins just to attend a wedding???? Da-yumm!!! Where do I sign up to get the concession on that business! I'd make a fortune in a month!

[xerxes99]

Do Americans usually have wedding parties in 5-star hotels or similarily expensive reception rooms ?
I've been to a lot of weddings in the US and I've seen everything from weddings in a garden that cost like $100 to $150,000 extravaganzas in 5 star hotels.

Let's say that 2,000,000yen (20,000US$) is what (young) Japanese people usually spend on their friends wedding parties. I don't think my wife is an exception for having so many friends. ALL the Japanese women with whom I spoke about wedding parties have as many friends and wedding parties to attend (of course I don't speak about weddding parties with all the people I know...).

I find that incredible. You would certainly bring a gift to a wedding, but nothing like that.
Has anyone else been to a wedding where they do the dollar dance? this might be just a southern thing. the men give cash, usually a $20 or more to dance with the bride. And the women give to dance with the groom. Although the reverse is true too lol. I've just started seeing this in the last few years.

[nurizeko]

"buying a house" for British people,

Ahmen, everytime on british TV its either a house buying program, a house improvement program, or some other program about a career couple buying and selling property and argh, it gets under my skin.

And i can vouche that japanese think about marriage way too often, my girlfriend thinks of it fairly often, and im just like "listen, i love you, you love me right?, whats the rush?, were 20 years old, and i havnt got a clue what the future holds so instead of worrying about it all the time, lets concentrate on enjoying each others company, and appriciating life, since at 20 theres more important things then the wedding that may or may not occur, i want to get married to you oneday, and i can see that future, but it doesnt need to be poked and prodded at all the time", but god knows, she still goes on about marriage.

[cursore]

I know that Japanese give much importance to weddings, may be more than western society however if I think that in Italy works more or less like this:

1 If you are catholic, you start with the pre marriage church course (compulsory)
2 Book the curch (usually one year in advance) decoration etc
3 Book the restaurant with reception (the family of the couple will pay the bill for this)
4 Book the invitation (not just a card but the whole bonbonnière kit)
5 Book the honeymoon (far away and expensive place)
6 prepare the whishing list (presents which might be useful to the couple)


so at the end a marriage can cost as much as buying a flat

[Maciamo]

so at the end a marriage can cost as much as buying a flat

Yeah, well, I prefer the flat then.

[cursore]

Yeah, well, I prefer the flat then.

so do I, so do I!

[brahmavarun]

marriage is a sacred ritual that makes people one and hence enjoyment prevails.divorce is not good. Hindus love marriage and have kids.

[celtician]

The Japanese are all show, no content so like their brothers in China they Must show off. Even though they hate the Chinese they do the same.

Think about it

[celtician]

Oh, Maciamo why did you get married? Stay true to your values!