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Thread: Radical difference between East and West regarding relationships and marriage

  1. #1
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    Exclamation Radical difference between East and West regarding relationships and marriage

    It's not the first topic on the subject, but I'll try to summarize what I've learned in all my discussions (most of them with Japanese people in real life). I've also talked with some Korean friends and it seems Korean and Japanese mentality about the followings are very similar. It also appears that Western way of thinking, whatever the country, from Europe to America to Australia is basically the same on these issues. Here it is.

    Reason for marriage

    West : Love => people promise to love each other for ever when they get married (even if it's often a dream). Modern laws make it the same to get children outside marriage, so that if people only want children, marriage is not even necessary. Marriage is usually a proof of love and comitment for life. If love disappears, people tend to divorce easily (except sometimes when there are small children, to avoid perturbing them psychologically).

    Japan : Children => with or without love is not very important. Lots of marriage are still arranged ("miai") and some Japanese think that it's better than love marriage because loveless arranged marriage rarely end up in divorce as the purpose is to have and raise children, and for the woman often to quit working and care about the household. Japanese men often look down on women at work, but are usually ready to ask them to stay at home and pay for their expenses, even if their salary is tight. As the father of a child born outside marriage is not legally recognised, the marriage rate of parents is close to 100%.

    Japanese family relationships

    Even in love marriages, once a woman has a baby, her husband regards her as a mother, not a woman anymore, which means their sexual life comes to an end. The new mother is said to lose completely interest in her husband anyway (this may not be true in international couples, from what I've heard).

    In most families, children sleep with both parents or just the mother. The the latter case, the father has his own room. I've been told that this way he wouldn't wake his wife and children up when he comes back late from work.

    Sleeping with the child(ren) in the middle of the parents is so common in Japan that Japanese and a special name for it, a comparison it to the kanji ì (kawa = river). Children might sleep with their parents till age 3, 5, 8, 12 or even 16, depending on the family, number of children and space in the house.

    Western reaction to children sleeping with parents

    Westerners find for the least surprising that children sleep everyday with their parents (especially till age 12 or later !). They should not forget that on top of this it is normal in Japan for a father to have a bath with his children, even 20 year-old girls ! I guess that if the average Japanese man loses interest in his wife once she becomes a mother, there is no problem with children either.

    I've heard a lot that Westerners would be afraid of crushing their new-born baby by sleeping in the same bed, but I was told that it never happened (of all mamals, only male sealions and pandas sometime crush their babies to death when sleeping with them, but never humans would it seem). The good point of the mother sleeping with the baby is that the baby doesn't cry because it feels secure near its mother and has a unexhaustable warm-milk bottle at its disposal. I've read that it was better for babies to be breastfed than drink other milk. That system definitely has its advantages.

    Another concern is that the parents lose their privacy and can't have sex anymore - unless doing it in front of the child, which is a kind of taboo in the Judeo-Christian mindset. As Japanese parents stop having sex regularily after their children are born, that isn't a problem.

    For international couples who do continue, I was told little babies can sleep very well even with the parents doing whatever they please right beside them. But they should have their own room from age 3 or 4 then.

    Finally, lots of Westerners think it might cause psychological problems to the children to sleep with their parents. But Japanese do it and seem to be alright with it. The only drawback I can think of is the independence factor. Japanese are very group-minded and usually have difficulty thinking by themselves. It may be related.

    Why do Japanese women stop working when they get married or pregnant ?

    1) It's in the culture like that. They usually want to. Most Westerners think they are forced to quit, but they often resigned from their own will (or from what society has inculcated them). Japanese men also prefer that their wife stay at home once married. Women almost always want to spend as much time as they can with their babies (remember J-girls like what is "kawaii" ? The connection is evident).
    2) Nursery schools are few and very expensive in Japan (I've heard about 200.000 yen/month). It make more sense for the mother to stay at home than work and pay almost all her salary for the nursery. In most Western countries, nurseries and kindergartens are free, which allows lots of mothers to work.
    3) Paternity leaves don't exist in Japan, and (paid) maternity leave are not encouraged.


    Japanese relation to sex

    There is a kind a tacit understanding between spouse that after 10 years of marriage (loveless anyway) and a few children, the man is free to satisfy his libido somewhere else. That is why the sex industry is so prosperous in Japan.

    Male literature in combini is 90% porn and everyone reads it openly (and shamelessly) anywhere. Even serios newspapers have their pink pages. This is just beyound belief for Westerners first visiting Japan.

    Japanese men who miss talking to young and cute girls (or not so young and not so cute, depending on the price and place) go to hostess bars or "snack" after work. Nothing much happens there except dirty talk. Those who want to go more carnal have the soaplands and massage parlours, but Asian men's testosterone level is reputedly lower than Caucasian or African men, so they are often satisfied with just talking, watching - and groping...

    There is also the infamous "enjo kosai" or teenage prostitution. I'd like to say that for lots of Japanese (or East Asian) women, this isn't even considered as prostitution. Many find it normal to have sex with a man that pays them whatever they want. Remember that marriage is not much more than a man giving almosy all his salary to a woman to make children and take care of them. It suely sounds utterly shocking to lots of you, but after talking to (female) Japanese and other Asian friends I know quite well, they don't even see it as abnormal. It's in the mores, that's all. That doesn't mean Japanese women cheat more, but lots of them certainly consider money as more important than love or sex (which I find very saddening).

    Behind this, I've realised that cuteness (the kawaii factor) iss very powerful in Japanese women's mentality. They like babies, cute anime characters and cute clothes more than anything else, it seems. Men have an obsessive care about their job and status. My impression is that this stereotype works as well for Korea and China, if not also South-East Asia.


    Divorce and charge of the children

    In 95% of cases in Japan, the woman gets the exclusive charge of the children. It only seems natural as the father often don't really care about them. He comes back late from work and rarely take part in their education. After a divorce, it's not normal for the father to just forget about his offsprings. He doesn't care very much. That's the mother's role to care for them.

    That might sound crude again to some Westerners, as in the West parents sometimes fight bitterly over the charge of their children, and in peaceful cases, it's usual to find arrangement such as the children stay one week with the mother, next week with the father, or, weekdays at the mother's and weekends at the father's. Anyway, lots of father would feel terrible not to see their children regularily. (see the thread about children abduction on this regard).
    Last edited by Maciamo; Aug 15, 2003 at 00:57.

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  2. #2
    Follower of None jspecdan's Avatar
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    yeah i've noticed that among the Japanese couples I know. kind of dull in a way how there is no affection between the two, but they form a strong family regardless.
    _J-Spec Dan

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  3. #3
    __________ budd's Avatar
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    very interesting. will really read later. thanks for the thread!
    edit: same here! some of it might be considered inflammatory but i can't really say i disagree just yet...
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    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    Oh boy. Thanks for starting this Maciamo. This has been an area of constant interest for me, and one that I have spent much time observing. I need to go gather my thoughts on this before I post.
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    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    I have been living with a Japanese person for 7 years now. I knew nothing really about Japanese culture before then other than sushi, Pearl Harbor, A-bombs, hi-tech, geisha, and that the men were supposedly oppressors.

    Over the past 7 years, though, I came to realize many more things. The Japanese psyche to be most definitely intriguing to me. Therefore, I have spent much time getting to know many Japanese men and women and observing their thinking and behavior and relationships, as I'm sure they might have been doing with me, too.

    In the beginning, I did believe Japanese men to be chauvinistic. I thought they were the brutal dictators and their wives nothing more than mild and meek servants. I think we are led to believe that in the West. I believed that for a good while and I still believed that on into my marriage. As I spent more time around all the Japanese women I knew, though, I found out otherwise.

    As some people might not know, it's traditional for the women to take care of the finances in Japan. The husbands give the money to the wives and the wives manage it and do with it what they see fit. The husbands are often known to ask permission to use their own money to buy something. My husband has a motorcycle and a truck and he asked my permission to buy both. I was shocked that he would even ask me. He told me that if he had been married to a "regular" Japanese girl, he would've never been able to buy either one. After all, they do have a saying in Japan about as long as the husband healthy and out making money, the women are satisfied.

    I got really frustrated at my husband's behavior towards our relationship after our children were born. I am one who believes that the relationship of the husband and wife needs to be nursed in order for the children to thrive. I believe keeping an active sex life is important and I believe that time spent alone with your spouse and talking about things other than children is a necessity. He once told me that after kids, those kinds of things were no longer that important. I tried to blame this entirely on him, but I honestly believe that is the way they(both men and women) think things are supposed to be after marriage and kids. After years of being accustomed to a marriage being more like a business than companionship, they don't know any different.

    As for sleeping arrangements, I agree wholeheartedly that it is an independence issue, as well as a privacy issue as far as Westerners are concerned. From the very start, I put all of my children in their own room even though I breastfed for the first few months. After growing up an only child, my children's independence was/is very important to me, and that was just one of the beginning steps for them gaining their independence.

    I could go on about this...but now I have to make lunch. I'll be back...

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    Follower of None jspecdan's Avatar
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    Wow, very interestin Kirei Na Me. Whenever my dad bought a new car, he always consulted my mother. Being a 3rd Gen J-A, my mom said "do whatever you want, it's your money. I don't care." Basically because she has no interest in what kind of car he drives. With that, he leased a BMW 5-series, then got rid of it and bought a Sabb -5.

    Some of my Japanese-American/Canadian friends have parents that sleep in separate rooms, while others, like my parents, sleep together in the same bed. I dunno, I think it depends upon the people, how they were raised, and where they were raised.

    As for women are to serve men as brought up, that is only somewhat true. I remember my brother and father started an arguement about this, so I left the room, knowing that I couldn't win. But my father tried explaining it to my brother that before women are businesswomen, business owners, etc, they are women. They have particular roles they should carry out when the children are born, raised and so on. My brother interpreted it as "women stay home and bake pies, men come home and eat it." Anyway, I dunno, this is gettin long and I gotta go to the dentist.

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    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    Originally posted by jspecdan
    Wow, very interestin Kirei Na Me. Whenever my dad bought a new car, he always consulted my mother. Being a 3rd Gen J-A, my mom said "do whatever you want, it's your money. I don't care." Basically because she has no interest in what kind of car he drives.
    Exactly. To me, the money he makes is his money and he should be able to do with it as he sees fit, if it is within reason, of course. He also takes care of all the bills, because he is much better organized than I am concerning finances. That is the starting point of many disagreements between my husband and me. He believes it's our money rather than his money, but I guess I just have a hard time adjusting to that. It is very hard for me to ask him for money. It has gotten better as time has progressed, but at the beginning of our marriage, it was very difficult for me to ask him for money.

    About staying home, I made the decision to stay with my children because I thought it would benefit them. My mother, being a teacher for 30 years, always said that she could tell a difference between children where a mother stayed home and those that didn't. I was hoping by staying home the first 5 years or so that I could influence my children to be kindler, gentler humans. It was not because my husband insisted that I stay home. Quite the contrary. He said it was entirely up to me if I chose to work or not. Since we could live more than comfortably on his salary alone, I chose to stay home. I do now find myself feeling somewhat smothered, though. After my third son gets in preschool, I will be going back to college in order to pursue a teaching career.

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    Follower of None jspecdan's Avatar
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    About staying home, I made the decision to stay with my children because I thought it would benefit them.
    For the same reasons, my mother stayed home while my brother and I were growing up.

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    basketballman Dream Time's Avatar
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    sexless after child being born...
    i think it is unhealthy for the Japanese society,
    more and more girls do 'enjo kosai' and those lonely man look for them...

    plus it is very boring , I think they should keep the sex life even after child being born,
    loveless couple....

    I've heard some Japanese men would work until midnight or something,sleep on the trains,not going home,and just go to work again the next morning

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    Regular Member doudesuka's Avatar
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    I think it's not healthy for a child to see his father not interested in their mother or the family. I know children are sensitive and can feel things early on between the parents. Like you can feel tension between two people who have been arguing.

    But, here it's like the people have accepted their roles in marriages. :sad:

    I am only guessing here but, since a majority of fathers have their second life outside the family home. The mothers become independent from them in sleeping arrangements.

    I do want to recognize the young Japanese fathers who seem to be more family oriented. I know they are few .

  11. #11
    Regular Member doudesuka's Avatar
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    Kirei na me, I let my husband take care of the finances too.
    I had a hard time asking for money because it felt weird after I stopped working . But, now I don't have too much of a problem.
    I agree with you a lot. :agree:

  12. #12
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by jspecdan
    Wow, very interestin Kirei Na Me. Whenever my dad bought a new car, he always consulted my mother. Being a 3rd Gen J-A, my mom said "do whatever you want, it's your money. I don't care."
    2nd or 3rd generation J-A were not brought up in Japan and therefore think mostly like the culture and people they have always known. It's nothing genetic, I assure you.

    Some of my Japanese-American/Canadian friends have parents that sleep in separate rooms, while others, like my parents, sleep together in the same bed. I dunno, I think it depends upon the people, how they were raised, and where they were raised.
    Again, you are not talking of people living in Japan. The US and Canada are melting pots of ethnies and cultures, which is why you find so many different way of doing things. From my European experience (in 5 countries), my impression is that couples who sleep in different rooms usually can't stand each other anymore or had a loveless marriage, which is almost frowned upon nowadays. But as in Japan so many marriage are more a business than a love story, it's normal they should sleep separate.

    As for women are to serve men as brought up, that is only somewhat true.
    I want to break this false image Westerners have of the "Japanese wife-servant". Whereas gender roles are clearly defined, Japanese women are far from being servants. Men work hard all day and come back home late. They don't have time or energy to cook and do housework. As women only have to care about houseworks (once children go to school, they haven't much to do all day long, but housework and cooking).

    I understand how Westerners would consider unacceptable a situation where the woman is the only one to do the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, etc. while the man watches TV, because most Western women work, and their husband might be home at 6pm.

    But if the man is home at 11pm and the woman doesn't work at all, it's not to much to expect from her to cook 1 meal and care about house chores. I actually don't know how Japanese men would cope living single by themselves. Women have the "good role" and most are happy to get married just to stop working and use their husband money for their hobbies or care about the children they had longed for.

    Kirei na me has it right when she says women have decsional power on the family finances. I was surprised how my own wife turned into a meticulous accountant spontaneously and without training once we started living in Japan (or got married, as it happened at the same time). I've read and heard many times since then that virtually all Japanese woman had this "gift" for "calculation". Marriage is a real business in Japan. Fortunately my wife also believe in love marriage (she says I don't have money anyway ).

  13. #13
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by kirei_na_me
    That is the starting point of many disagreements between my husband and me. He believes it's our money rather than his money, but I guess I just have a hard time adjusting to that.
    I had the same problem, but in the reverse situation as I am the man. Japanese cannot conceive marriage as just a love thing where money stays separate. My wife sometimes tell me : "We are married but we still have separate bank accounts or count our money separately. What does it mean to be married then ? We could just be boyfriend-girlfriend". That's the kind of comment that infuriates me as I hear "marriage= money".

    My parents have a prenuptial agreement and so did I (eventhough my wife couldn't really understand what it was about, but as it was a condition for getting married she accepted). The conception of marriage is so different in Japan and the West that it almost mean opposite things and leads to many misunderstandings. That's what I've been explaining in this thread.

    I can't imagine marriage as a business in our epoch, but Japanese can't imagine it not being a business to raise children. Maybe that's why Japanese have such strong corporate loyalty. A company is like a second family ; you can't divorce it. It's not socially acceptable.

    If we look deeper into Japanese culture, we realise that even words like "kyaku-san" means "client, customer" (at work) or "guest" (at home)". Japanese feel the relationship is the same. The words "family" ‰Æ‘° and "house" ‰Æ are also in direct relation in Japan. "Kazoku" (=family) literaly means "bound by the house" in kanji. Often Japanese speaking English would say things like "My house is not rich" when they mean "family", which is a proof that it is one same thing in their minds.

  14. #14
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    Originally posted by doudesuka
    I think it's not healthy for a child to see his father not interested in their mother or the family.
    Let's just say that Japanese have a different conception of "healthiness".

    I know children are sensitive and can feel things early on between the parents. Like you can feel tension between two people who have been arguing.
    Because the father comes home late, they don't have much time to meet and argue anyway. Lots of J-children rarely see their father. I know lots of J-men married with children, who go to their office even on Sundays. It's like an addiction. Japanese believe that only the mother is important for the children's emotional stability and development. If the father also has time it's good, but not indispensable.

    But, here it's like the people have accepted their roles in marriages. :sad:
    It used to be like that 50 years ago in Western countries. It's because we have "evolved" that it seems sad or backward for Japanese. But they seem to like it this way. Those who don't marry foreigners (but some who do also marry foreigners ).

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    Regular Member den4's Avatar
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    hey, thought I was seeing double when I saw this topic on another forum

    interesting....

    although sometimes, I wonder if the relationships are really thought through in either western nations or in Japan....
    I know nothing...except the answer is 42. You know more than I do.

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    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    Originally posted by den4
    although sometimes, I wonder if the relationships are really thought through in either western nations or in Japan....
    Me too, den4. Me too.

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    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    My husband and I had a pretty bad argument about all of this last night.

    It first started when I was asking him about the other thread about carseats. He went on to say that the reason carseats were not used as much in Japan was because they were indeed expensive, but I then asked him "well, how much value do you put on your child's life?" He just kept on saying that in Japan, those seats are maybe 400 dollars and here they are 60. I tried to explain to him that they had money for other things, but not something that could save their children, but he got so extremely defensive, he couldn't agree with me that it was worth 400 dollars to have your child safe in the car. I was SO infuriated.

    Anyway, then we got into the marriage issue. I asked him this: "Do you think arranged marriages better than love marriages?" His answer, yes. He thinks arranged marriages have the capability of lasting much longer than love marriages. He went on to tell me that with arranged marriages, the good is seen in a person after marriage, whereas in a love marriage, you only tend to see the bad in the person after marriage.

    He also went on to tell me that maybe a lot of westerners are thinking the Japanese married couples don't like each other because it is common for the husband or wife to say they don't like one another or they don't like what one another does, but that under the surface, it's the exact opposite. He told me that people(Japanese) consider you a fool if you go around saying how much you like your spouse. Which, I guess, I can understand, since they don't get into the whole "I love you" thing, etc. like we do.

    Also, he did tell me about one divorce case in which he knew the couple personally, and the father got custody of the children. I asked him why, but he didn't know. He says that happens more than one thinks over there, but I don't know. I do remember my friend was contemplating divorce with her husband(who came from a wealthy family) and she was scared that he would take her daughter away from her. So, maybe there are some instances when the father gets the children in case of divorce. Maybe the mother just hands them over to him because she doesn't want the responsibility? Maybe they prove she's unfit somehow? I don't know.

    Anyway, our conversation was cut short last night, because he takes things so extremely personal and gets so defensive, that I can't really discuss things in depth with him anymore. I still have someone else I can talk to about all of it, though...

  18. #18
    Twirling dragon Maciamo's Avatar
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    I've just asked my wife about carseats and she told me firmly that nowadays most people used them in Japan. She also tend to take such questions very personally and get angry if I criticise Japan. She sometimes says (half-joking, fortunately) that she is going to look for a Japanese husband if I make such comments.

    What's funny is how opinions can vary from one person to another. I asked about 20 people if babies/children usually sleep with their parents/mother in Japan, and though 90% said yes, 1 was actually quite convinced that it was an old-fashioned system and that normally children all had their own room and bed nowadays (because she has grown up in such a family). So, I'd rather be careful before saying that Japanese do like this or like that. I always try to ask as many people from as many age, region and background as I can. That's quite easy with my job.

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    Regular Member Atmos_Fear's Avatar
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    wooow that's so educational Benkio, benkio, benkio


    man sometimes i don't understad japan people. This is so wierd for me and i can't belive it at all. Man it's sounds to me that if you are a man in Japan them you are done/ dead / kaput

    ok sorry if i offend some of the japan people in this forum but for me this is so stange. I can't belive that there could be a true marriage whitout love. I mean two people to live together whitout love ?? Is this possible at all ??

    anyway i still love the look of the asian girls )
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    Follower of None jspecdan's Avatar
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    It's nothing genetic, I assure you.
    Oh I know. That's how 3rd Gens are. That's how they were brought up by 2nd Gens who are somewhat frugal and sparing, like parents in Japan who grew up during WW2. Basically my mom is like that because of living in america. And by that I'm not sayin it was bad or good for her.

  21. #21
    Danshaku Elizabeth's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Atmos_Fear
    [B]ok sorry if i offend some of the japan people in this forum but for me this is so stange. I can't belive that there could be a true marriage whitout love. I mean two people to live together whitout love ?? Is this possible at all?
    Because real life can get so much more complicated at times and there are various types of love for different people. My most intimate Japanese male friend is older and married for instance. Is feeling guilt for cheating on his wife a sure-fire indicatation he loves her? Even though his arrogance can make her life miserable at times (even to the point of prolonged physical illness), they don't have children and doesn't respect her intellectually ? How do those factors plus their strong and ongoing comittments together, such as hosting foreign students, compare in favor of our interests and characters being more compatible plus the sexual activity neither of us would get otherwise?
    Kind of like working on a jigsaw puzzle with no photo to emulate and you're not even sure most of the time you have all the pieces.

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    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    I can so relate to what you're saying, Elizabeth. That's all I'll say.

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    Regular Member den4's Avatar
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    Originally posted by kirei_na_me
    My husband and I had a pretty bad argument about all of this last night.

    It first started when I was asking him about the other thread about carseats. He went on to say that the reason carseats were not used as much in Japan was because they were indeed expensive, but I then asked him "well, how much value do you put on your child's life?" He just kept on saying that in Japan, those seats are maybe 400 dollars and here they are 60. I tried to explain to him that they had money for other things, but not something that could save their children, but he got so extremely defensive, he couldn't agree with me that it was worth 400 dollars to have your child safe in the car. I was SO infuriated.

    Anyway, then we got into the marriage issue. I asked him this: "Do you think arranged marriages better than love marriages?" His answer, yes. He thinks arranged marriages have the capability of lasting much longer than love marriages. He went on to tell me that with arranged marriages, the good is seen in a person after marriage, whereas in a love marriage, you only tend to see the bad in the person after marriage.

    He also went on to tell me that maybe a lot of westerners are thinking the Japanese married couples don't like each other because it is common for the husband or wife to say they don't like one another or they don't like what one another does, but that under the surface, it's the exact opposite. He told me that people(Japanese) consider you a fool if you go around saying how much you like your spouse. Which, I guess, I can understand, since they don't get into the whole "I love you" thing, etc. like we do.

    Also, he did tell me about one divorce case in which he knew the couple personally, and the father got custody of the children. I asked him why, but he didn't know. He says that happens more than one thinks over there, but I don't know. I do remember my friend was contemplating divorce with her husband(who came from a wealthy family) and she was scared that he would take her daughter away from her. So, maybe there are some instances when the father gets the children in case of divorce. Maybe the mother just hands them over to him because she doesn't want the responsibility? Maybe they prove she's unfit somehow? I don't know.

    Anyway, our conversation was cut short last night, because he takes things so extremely personal and gets so defensive, that I can't really discuss things in depth with him anymore. I still have someone else I can talk to about all of it, though...
    To each their own.
    My better half dislikes the way things are done in Japan, although she also finds stupidity abounds in the US as well. Since she was brought up under the J-way, and has lived in the US and in other countries, her view is that no country has a monopoly on foolishness....which is my view as well.

    People will take offense or not depending upon their sensitivity level...for those that have less experience, I've noticed, of how others live outside their immediate sphere of influence, the greater their lack of understanding and willingness to compromise in their viewpoints (the exceptions are those with mental disorders or actual stubbornness that kind of borders on obsessional behavior, if it isn't actually the latter).

    I know my views do tend to offend some, since I've pissed off a number of folks, either through ignorance or out of spite (yes, I'm no saint, nor do I pretend to be one)...however, if a person cannot talk about a topic without getting all weirded out and bent out of shape, then I'm afraid the person has other issues that are in the background, perhaps in denial, that they need to deal with at some point in the future, or it will continue to be one of the main reasons they continue to get bent out of shape, unabated, whenever the subject is brought up....

    feel sorry for your situation..know a lot of people who can't talk with their spouses because one or the other or both are real blockheads trying to fit in a round hole...

  24. #24
    Where I'm Supposed to Be kirei_na_me's Avatar
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    Originally posted by den4
    however, if a person cannot talk about a topic without getting all weirded out and bent out of shape, then I'm afraid the person has other issues that are in the background, perhaps in denial, that they need to deal with at some point in the future, or it will continue to be one of the main reasons they continue to get bent out of shape, unabated, whenever the subject is brought up....
    I think so too. I like to feel I can talk about things without taking it too personal. Sometimes, I know I can take things personally, but I try my darndest not to do that. But in the case of my husband, he gets extremely bent out of shape and defensive. I tend to think he has some issues, but if I ever try to question him as to what they are, he...yes, gets very defensive.

    Sometimes, I think the bottling up of emotions is not so good. I think, generally speaking, it does more harm than good to let stuff sit inside and fester. He has that problem, as do many other Japanese people(maybe Japanese people in general) I know do. Something is really eating away at him deep down, I believe, but it's not going to get out easily.

    With me, it's like little tremors all the time, whereas with him, you get the huge mega earthquake.

  25. #25
    Regular Member den4's Avatar
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    heh...
    start putting up a sign every time he tremors, then, and rate it based upon severity....maybe he'll get the point....eventually....

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