How much freedom do you give to your partner ?

**Maciamo** · Dec 8, 2004, 15:37

How much freedom are you ready to give to your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife ?

When I say "with another man/woman" in the poll, it means of the opposite sex, except for gays.

I surely would never accept my wife to have sex or travel overnight with another man. I am pretty jealous when it comes to her having dinner, doing activities or just meeting other male friends, even more if they are ex-boyfriends, however I accept it because that gives me the same freedom, and as long as nobody cheats or falls in love with someone else it's ok. As for nightclubs, I am very reluctant to let her go without me, even if I do let her go with other female friends.

**Brooker** · Dec 8, 2004, 16:06

I never tell a girlfriend what she can or can't do. She can do whatever she wants, BUT she has to know that if she does certain things, I'll be gone. Such as giving her affection to anyone, male or female, other than me. BAM, relationship is over.

I could never be with someone I had to control. I'd rather let her do her thing and hopefully her thing and my thing will include eachother. But you can't force it to.

If it were my wife, I'd be a little more "strict" though because (in theory) leaving the relationship because of such things shouldn't be an option. Hopefully I would have a trust and understanding about such things before she became my wife.

**Bob in Iowa** · Dec 8, 2004, 20:21

I think that a successful relationship has a foundation of mutual trust whereby neither person controls the other and whereby each person shows respect for the other by not violating that trust.

**Maciamo** · Dec 8, 2004, 22:07

Originally Posted by Bob in Iowa

I think that a successful relationship has a foundation of mutual trust whereby neither person controls the other and whereby each person shows respect for the other by not violating that trust.

But what if you trust someone and they cheat on you without you knowing it - ever ! Trust is one think, but it does not always equals with reality. What bothers me most is not even to be cheated on without my knowing it (as I don;t know it), but STD's, especially AIDS. I guess nobody would want to play with their own life by trusting their partner too much. I am not sure I can ever trust someone 100%. Maybe 99,9% but not 100%. This little percentage remaining can have dramatic consequences for some people and not only fatal STD's (see thread "Are you your father's child").

If my wife had a child, I'd make a DNA test, even if I trust her. I am not to kind of person to invest all a life's time and money to find out decades later (or never) that my child is actually not mine. Could also be that the babies were mistakenly exchanged at the maternity. There is only a tiny little chance of it happening, but I just cannot take such risks. It's so easy to do a little DNA test nowadays and that can save lots of troubles. That is just to illustrate the way I think; never take anything for granted.

Remember also that 'love is blind', which is not a good thing for 'trust'.

**mad pierrot** · Dec 8, 2004, 22:57

Brooker summed it up for me.

I've never had to tell my girlfriend not to do something. Point 1- They know that kind of sh*t won't fly with me, Point 2- I don't believe any of my girlfriends would ever do anything like that.

Love is blind, but so is Justice.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
Time flies. Fruit flies like a banana.

**Bob in Iowa** · Dec 8, 2004, 22:57

Originally Posted by Maciamo

But what if you trust someone and they cheat on you without you knowing it - ever ! Trust is one think, but it does not always equals with reality. What bothers me most is not even to be cheated on without my knowing it (as I don;t know it), but STD's, especially AIDS. I guess nobody would want to play with their own life by trusting their partner too much. I am not sure I can ever trust someone 100%. Maybe 99,9% but not 100%.

The other half of the equation is respect, and for this to work there must be respect on behalf of both people not to violate the trust of the other.

I will admit that my statement was simplistic, however putting these principles into practice is far from simple, but it can and does work.

**TwistedMac** · Dec 8, 2004, 23:00

I put complete trust in my partner.
She can do whatever she wants. Stay in hotelrooms with men and stuff doesn't bother me one bit because I trust her not to go any further than that.
It also makes it very easy if she DOES go further.
Total trust comes with total responsibility. If she makes one bad turn and gives in to temptation so to speak, I'm outa there and she most probably wont see me ever again even as a friend...

(If she just breaks up with me, We'll usually stay friends... note "if she" as I've never broken up with a girl... sorta... there was this one time, but it doesn't count cuz we weren't "going steady" in the first place.. she just thought we were...)

**Maciamo** · Dec 9, 2004, 09:35

Originally Posted by TwistedMac

Total trust comes with total responsibility. If she makes one bad turn and gives in to temptation so to speak, I'm outa there and she most probably wont see me ever again even as a friend...

Yes, but how are you going to find out what she really did ? Any woman (or man) with a bit of a brain will never tell their partner they cheated on him (her) if they know that would end the relationship and they do no want to.

I guess living in a huge city like Tokyo, full of love hotels and people you will never know, and having read times and again about the promiscuity of Japanese people and their naivete regarding sex and STD's, and last but not least the way Japanese morals work (as long as other people don't know, it's not wrong as they do not feel sad or angry about it), that tends to make me a bit paranoiac.

**TwistedMac** · Dec 9, 2004, 09:44

Originally Posted by Maciamo

Yes, but how are you going to find out what she really did ? Any woman (or man) with a bit of a brain will never tell their partner they cheated on him (her) if they know that would end the relationship and they do no want to.

Yeah, but I figure she's innocent until proven guilty...
Maybe it's a sort of out of sight, out of mind thing.
If I don't know about it, she hasn't done it. If I found out about it, I asume she's been doing it all along and is a total wh**e.

**RockLee** · Dec 9, 2004, 09:46

Originally Posted by Maciamo

Yes, but how are you going to find out what she really did ? Any woman (or man) with a bit of a brain will never tell their partner they cheated on him (her) if they know that would end the relationship and they do no want to.

Some ppl are just not capable of hiding...even if they have brains...it's just their gutfeeling that can't take it anymore..

**Maciamo** · Dec 9, 2004, 16:30

Originally Posted by RockLee

Some ppl are just not capable of hiding...even if they have brains...it's just their gutfeeling that can't take it anymore..

Yes but that can be learned with experience. Women are also better at finding about lies than men, so they have easier to lie to a man too.

**DoctorP** · Dec 9, 2004, 18:53

Well, I don't see how you can check the first three and not the fourth one?

My wife and I switch nights out all the time. She would never let me go out with an old girlfriend though!

I'm not worried about any of her old boyfriends though.

As a matter of fact, she is out right now with about 20 girlfriends at dinner, then Karaoke, then maybe a club...no big deal

**Duo** · Dec 9, 2004, 21:54

I think Maciamo brings up a very valid point. I mean even though someone might love u blindfully, if she goes let's so to a club with her lady friends, gets drunk, is in a party mood, a bit stressed from married life, work and seeing the husband little, she wants to relax and just have a good time, then sm Fabio lookin mofo might come along, and 1+1 = 2, bam she ends up doin stuff with the guy in the club or in his car, or watever. How would you know ? U might be away on sm trip that night. I think we should trust people, but also realize that these things happen constantly, and the people that do them, many times love their partner, but this is life, if certain conditions are right, this stuff happens.

**Elizabeth** · Dec 9, 2004, 22:31

I guess living in a huge city like Tokyo, full of love hotels and people you will never know, and having read times and again about the promiscuity of Japanese people and their naivete regarding sex and STD's, and last but not least the way Japanese morals work (as long as other people don't know, it's not wrong as they do not feel sad or angry about it), that tends to make me a bit paranoiac.

There definately needs to be trust and space for an honest dialogue -- but with him living in Tokyo, purporting to stay away from prostitutes for fear of disease....then factoring in my sympathy with Japanese morals and, well, as long as it isn't another involved, long-term relationship it's reasonable to assume there isn't much that can be done in either case. Besides breaking off any physical contact and remaining friends, which would be needlessly spiteful and counterproductive, from my perspective at least.

**mad pierrot** · Dec 9, 2004, 23:51

I think it comes down to how much you trust yourself; not the other person. I know this sounds a bit strange, but think about it. Most people judge others based on their own feelings. This includes personal standards and weaknesses. That is, if I know that I'd cheat at cards, by extension I know there are definately other people who would to. The same thing applies in reverse. For example, if I know I can endure 8 hours of work a day, other people should be able to do it, too. Of course, should isn't would. Heh.

Maybe my cheese slid off my cracker.

**jovial_jon** · Dec 9, 2004, 23:57

Mad Pierrot - 666th post!!! evilllll

But my thoughts are as thus; give them as much freedom as humanly possible. Although that doesn't stop me from being a paranoid wreck.

**playaa** · Dec 10, 2004, 00:11

Agreeing with what brooker said above..

**misa.j** · Dec 10, 2004, 05:57

Yeah, we live in the woods, there aren't many distractions up in the north where we are...
That doesn't mean that we can't cheat on each other, but we just don't. Neither of us likes the drama.

Some customer whom I rarely had a conversation before, had asked me if I was married at the store I worked. It made me uncomfortable all day that I couldn't wait to tell my husband about it because I knew that he could make me feel better.

**Apollo** · Dec 10, 2004, 22:33

I don't see any problem with going to dinner with someone from the opposite sex, doing activities like sports, or...going to nightclubs with my friends without our "other halves"....

**Maciamo** · Dec 10, 2004, 22:42

Originally Posted by Miss_apollo7

I don't see any problem with going to dinner with someone from the opposite sex, doing activities like sports, or...going to nightclubs with my friends without our "other halves"....

Wouldn't be even a bit jealous if your boyfriend/husband had some "romantic" face to face dinner in a French restaurant with another woman (which happens to be a very good friend), or if he went regularily to nightclubs with the same girls/women, or went to a karaoke all-night again with some other woman ?

Personally I already don't like seeing my wife dancing (salsa, etc.) with another man, even if I stand 2m from there (although I let her do, as she would complain that I am too possessive otherwise). Funny as I didn't use to be so jealous a few years ago (but I wasn't married). At the contrary, I didn't care much.

**nekosasori** · Dec 10, 2004, 23:11

I personally object to the question - I think freedom is something that we all should have as individuals, and conversely, it is not something we can "dispense" to our spouses. The most we can reasonably do is make our insecurities and concerns known to our partners, and be honest about the fact that we all have certain limits, to what we feel our partners doing.

I've been on trips (not sharing a room) but on my own where I've met up with several male friends, with whom I've been close emotionally but never involved with romantically, since I got married. The way I see it, I respect myself, my husband, and my marriage too much to let anything happen - and my husband realizes this about me and therefore trusts me. Likewise, while I haven't met my husband's friends (all living overseas, as are mine) I trust my husband to act responsibly. And this, I might add, has nothing to do with the morals (or lack thereof) that we were brought up with.

Also, the nightclubbing/dancing whatnot is a moot question for us because we're not social butterflies and neither enjoys it. I doubt I would have married whom I did if he got an ego boost out of flirting with women, to be honest - that would be an incompatibility (as would various other things I could probably live with but if I don't have to, why would I?)

**miu** · Dec 11, 2004, 05:16

I had a boyfriend who was so possessive that I ended up losing a lot fo friends because he didn't want me to meet anyone :/ I couldn't even talk with any guy other than ask "what time it is" etc. The things you do for love, huh? I don't want a guy to be a total push-over but the limit just goes somewhere... Live and learn, as they say

In my oppinion jealousy has a lot to do with not trusting the other person. Some people don't even realise how much it can hurt when you act jealous all the time and make the other person seem very untrustworthy when s/he isn't, they just think about themselves. It's funny how the whole jealousy thing can be a two-bladed dagger (if that's the right way to say it): if you're not jealous at all, the other perosn might think you don't care about him/her and if you're too jealous, the other perosn feels like you don't trust him/her at all.

My brother has a theory that when you look at a couple, usually only the husband's friends make up most of their friends. Makes sense evolutionally, doesn't it

**Maciamo** · Dec 11, 2004, 10:36

Originally Posted by miu

I had a boyfriend who was so possessive that I ended up losing a lot fo friends because he didn't want me to meet anyone :/ I couldn't even talk with any guy other than ask "what time it is" etc. The things you do for love, huh? I don't want a guy to be a total push-over but the limit just goes somewhere...

In my case, I'd say that my wife wants too much freedom compared to my I find acceptable. As I said I am already jealous to see her dancing with someone else, but I let her do it. The 'problem' is that she is very sociable and is always out meeting people (old school friends, etc.), going to karaoke (which I don't like much), to salsa bars (which I don't like much either), or to hobbies like nail art (no comment), flower arrangement or even computer lessons (like how to use MS Office, instead of asking me).

All this is not so bad, but she sometimes want to spent the whole night out in a nightclub with some friends (knowing I don't like much dancing, although she often pleads me to come along). Or she meet ex-boyfriends once every six months arguing that she wants to keep good relationship with them, eventhough they don't mean anything to her - and there are quite a few of them, especially that she has always lived in Tokyo and we live there now, so I can't even do the same.

So what do you think ? It's in her personality to want to meey people all the time (if not every day, 6x a week

), but that has made me grown jealous, especially the nightclubs and ex-boyfriends thing. But if I tell her not to meet any ex-boyfriend, she criticizes me for restraining of circle of friends. Mind you I even know their names, know in which area they live and have even seen pictures, and some want to meet me (so far I have not wanted to, don't know why). Maybe in Japan it is just normal to continue to meet your ex's 5, or 10 years after you have left them, but I don't want to believe so - that would make it too easy for her. Anyway, I asked other Japanese their opnion and not so many people seem to behave like this.

My brother has a theory that when you look at a couple, usually only the husband's friends make up most of their friends. Makes sense evolutionally, doesn't it

Well, I'd say in Japan (including most of the Japanese couples I know), it is typically the opposite. The husband being busy at work, does not meet many friedns except for the cowokers, but the wife is always meeting friends here and there.

**jieshi** · Dec 11, 2004, 11:02

I agree with brooker. You shouldn't tell your partner what they can and can't do. I really think that if you are going to date someone, shouldn't you be able to trust them? why date them if you can't trust them? I would expect that my girlfriend wasn't flirting with other men (thats just a given in any relationship). or being overly affectionate to other guys but i definitely wouldn't restrain her from going to night clubs with her friends. ( I have girl friends who's boyfriends have doen this to them and I cn tell you, they weren't happy)