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Japanese jokes

Basic zen temple etiquette

  • Do not bring any weapons of explosives inside without authorisation from the head priest.
  • Do not pee on the tatami. Do not bring a dog or other pet that could pee on the tatami.
  • Do not replace dry garden's stones by erotic statues (even nice ones)
  • Do not advertise for commercial products with loudspeakers unless there already are loudspeakers from tour leaders or recorded explanations on the temple's history. Even in this last case, inquire to the temple staff just in case.
  • Do not draw a moustache on the Buddha images (neither glasses, but that make sense as it would be anachronical).
  • Do not picnic or have BBQ in the moss gardens (nor inside the temple) as it is considered vulgar (even for foreign tourists who do not know Japanese traditional customs - no exceptions !).
  • Do not tickle meditating priest, even to know whether they are faking or not.
  • Do not indulge in sexual activities in the Abbot's Hall (other rooms do not have specifications, although it would probably be frown upon)
  • And of course, do not forget to respect the sancity and calm of the premises

(by Maciamo)

Is it possible to live in Japan ?

This was intended as a reply to a question on the Japan Forum. "Is it possible to live in Japan? If so, how?"

Answer :

Just breathe normally. The air is not si different or unique (as they would like to have you believe), and it shouldn't cause foreigners any health risk even with their alien lungs.

Most of food is also edible and actually recommended. Note that only a part of human beings (Japanese included) can ingest a local aliment called "nattō". Just try to see if you body has the right immunity for its consumption. If it hasn't, you shouldn't worry too much about side-effects as your body will automatically reject it as it enters your mouth.

You should beware of policemen, who are preying on gaijin, which they like to acuse of Japan's problem to turn away the attention from their own illegal involvement in the pachinko business.

Watch out for earthquakes too, and avoid renting an apartment on the lower floors to avoid being crushed once a M8 quake will crush your 'mansion'.

Other notable risks are 'tepodon' and 'tendon' (I heard they were developing 'katsudon' too) launched from the North Korean Empire of Evil, whose leader think he is cool but is in fact a buffoon.

Major health concerns include AIDS (esp. in the Roppongi and Shibuya areas), 20cm long centipedes, biting monkeys, ogres, flying grandmothers and foxes that steal your spirit by entering under your fingers.

(by Maciamo)

Punny Japanese

"Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal."

Made in Japan, very good !

"There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philippines. As he stepped out of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!" Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good!, very faast" The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it. "Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"

It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. "That will be US$239.40, sir!"

"Nan desu-ka! What?", the Jap was astonished. "The airport verrinear to hotel.

"Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very faast'

Samurai joke

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up.

The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.

The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!

Nelson Mandela

Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"

School Test

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "******* Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Japanese men have understood it all

After nights of frustrating attempts of trying to seduce his wife, the Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.

"If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one time."

"If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis 100 times!"

Japanese quality standards

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards.

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Haiku poem version of Windows

In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Dirty menu

A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!

She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!

She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"


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